RoxanneBurnett

ENTRY 1: PREFACE

This is my first entry. No one has tried to kill me yet, which is slightly surprising. Some people call me mentally unstable, but I prefer to go by Roxanne Burnett; I live a complicated life which I will write about more in later entries. I live in an abandoned, dilapidated lighthouse that moans and sways with every bout of wind and relentless ocean wave. My entire family was killed in a freak tsunami, but somehow I survived. Strangely, I have come to love the thing that has hurt me the most. I then was found by the authorities and taken to an orphanage; there I was subject to ruthless discrimination by my “fellow” orphans. The only thing I had from home was my black Converse, which I still wear today. Every morning I would look in the mirror and be startled by my grotesque, bruised and bloodied face. Both my eyes bulged out of my skull making me look like a glorified goldfish. My lips were puffy and split, my nose broken and inflamed. My hair used to be a flamboyant orange, and hacked off in a pixie cut, but is now long and dark brown covering the jagged scar on the side of my face. My eyes are a dark rich brown, like the bark of a pine tree. They always seem to be reckless and dancing, except for my ordeal in the orphanage and on the streets. One of the most offensive tyrants was a boy named Chunk. He was 14, one year older than my age. This oppressor is important later on in my life story, so remember him; I’ll get to him later on. Eventually I ran away from the orphanage, for weeks I lived off of stealing food and rainwater in puddles. At least I built up quite the immunity. I eventually came across where I live now, a ramshackle lighthouse that was abandoned years ago. I live on the top floor (the bottom one tends to flood) with a wolf, as if my life couldn't get any weirder. I found her as a pup, orphaned, howling next to her dead mother. I raised her and named her Whisper, and let her come and go as she pleases. She sleeps curled up next to me, and keeps me warm on the most brutal nights as a living blanket. She hunts and brings her catch to the lighthouse, where I split it between the two of us, and then cook my half. People used to call me Roxy, so I guess you can too. I haven’t had any human contact in years, except for today and my clothes are grimy and torn, and as of now I’m typing on a computer in a local library. It’s just Whisper and I and the fickle sea, and I’d like to keep it that way, but good things can only last for so long. People are starting to stare, and are heading over my way. I've got to go. This is Roxanne Burnett, over and out.

ENTRY 2 : HEAVY METAL

Now that you get the general gist of my daily life, I will begin to tell you me very elaborate and intricately detailed life story. The first thing I remember is water. So peaceful, so serene, so violent. Debris floated silently all around me in an eerie mobile. The sunlight dappled the floor of this strange river and danced in beautiful flickering patterns like a wavering flame just before it is snuffed. I winced as a shard of metal slit my cheek, and blood blossomed out like a surreal flower. My mind snapped back to reality. This wasn’t a river. It was the wake of a tsunami. I began to struggle to swim upwards towards the sunlight, squirming against the cold grip of the current. I kicked violently with my midnight black Converse, not willing to give into the torrent`s icy fingers yet. My lungs were screaming for air and seemed about to burst. I gasped just as my head broke the surface, sputtering and gulping the crisp morning air. I began to swim feverishly towards the shore, a mile away. I moaned, a deep disturbing guttural noise, as I began to fight against the current, but my effort was cut short as my head jerked sharply and searing white hot pain flashed in the back of my skull. Black spots danced before my eyes and I fell slowly into a black abyss of oblivion. My eyes were caked with sand. The pungent taste of salt lingered in my mouth, I retched, and ocean water cascaded out of my mouth, leaving indentations in the sand. I opened my eyes gingerly and was winced as blinding light scorched my retinas. I groaned and sat up abruptly. I inhaled sharply from the sharp pain from the back of my head and squeezed my eyes tightly shut. My head felt like someone was jackhammering inside my head while screaming and blaring heavy metal. I fell backwards and curled up into a fetal position, grasping my head between my two hands. I screamed and quickly shut up as it made the pain worse. Tears streamed down my cheeks, and faded into the sand. I panted in short labored breaths while I shuddered, and tensed against the coming onslaught of pain. It never came. Instead came sweet, blissful darkness.

A sharp kick to the middle of my back awoke me. “Unnnnnnnuuugggggghhhh,” I moaned. “Get up.” A gruff voice barked from behind me, obviously the owner of the imprudent boot. “Go away and let me die in peace,” I grumbled. “No. This is the local police. Tell me who you are, do you need an ambulance?” He said, unemotional. “No I’m just randomly lying here and grasping my head in a fetal position for fun.” Sarcasm dripped from my words. “This is Officer Harold, I’m calling in to report a Jane Doe with a possible head trauma, and an ambulance will be needed.” Static overflowed from behind me. “Harold? Well, isn’t that such an attractive name.” More sarcasm. He deserved it after kicking me. “Now that you know my name isn’t it about time I know yours?” Harold demanded. “Roxy. My name is Roxanne Burnett.” I managed to get out before I blacked out yet again.

ENTRY 3: OUT OF SHAPE

I awoke to sirens. Blaring sirens, flashing lights, shouting paramedics. White walls of an ambulance and the scratchy material of a cot. The paramedic’s eyes widened. “You’re awake.” He gaped. “You’re a genius.” I glared. “Well I-I`m not a v-v-very good p-p-paramedic, you see, and n-n-normally my patients d-d-don`t wake up,” He stammered. “Great.” I muttered. “N-n-no n-n-not great at all, I was actually g-g-going to get fired but i-i-instead they saw y-y-your case and decided I would be g-g-g-good for the j-j-job.” He stared wide-eyed at me. “Fantastic. Now if you don`t mind, I’ll be getting back to sleep,” I began to close my eyes. “N-NOOOOOOOOO!” He screamed. I jumped, “Jesus, what is it now?” “W-w-well if you g-g-go back to sleep you might not g-g-get back up, r-r-remember what I was saying b-b-before……” He trailed off. “I assure you I won`t die. Now if you keep on opening your eyes that wide they might pop out of your skull” I muttered. “R-r-really?” He pawed nervously at his eyes. I rolled my eyes, “Sure,” It took quite a while before we got there, but when we did I wished we never had. The gullible paramedic opened the ambulance door, and slid my cot out. The wheels screeched, obviously having been used for too long a period of time, as I slid from the pavement onto the sleek tile floors. My head pounded with renewed vigor at the sudden movement, and I grit my teeth. We turned sharply, into a room with monitors and machines, and a single cot, this one I hoped would be more comfortable than the one I was laying in. “One, two, three lift,” A doctor said with a grunt as they lifted me from one bed to the next. I inhaled sharply as pain echoed through my skull again this time not as severe. A small prick came from my arm and I looked over to see an I.V. attached. The pain started to lessen. Where once it had been a roaring lion it was now a mewling kitten. The doctors exited my room. I sighed. “Hello, uh, Roxanne?” A middle aged police officer with a buzz cut and soft eyes came into the room. I lifted my head, “Yes?” I said expectantly. “I am sorry to report this to you but….. Your parents and brother have died in the tsunami.” He squirmed anxiously. I stared blankly, and blinked, “Whaaaaaaa…,” was all I could manage. I had no knowledge whatsoever of any brother or parents. He ogled back. “You mean you don’t remember? Nothing? Nothing at all?” “Nada,” I replied. “I`m no doctor but… you appear to be suffering from amnesia. You will report to the orphanage as of tomorrow until further notice.” He stated and briskly walked from the room. //Amnesia//, I thought, //orphanage? I don’t want to go to any orphanage.// I began to panic. I never thought about my parents or brother since the tsunami. //I survived a tsunami? Well at least that’s pretty awesome. Wait never mind, not if all those people died. I had a brother? I had parents?// Thoughts began to stream into my mind faster than I could catch them. //Well no duh I had parents. But a brother? Was he athletic? Was he old? Was he young? Why did I survive? More importantly// how //did I survive?// And much more like these. I must have sat there for hours pondering constantly the life before the wave. I felt the back of my head tentatively. It was caked with flakey dried blood, which then flaked all the way down my back making it excruciatingly itchy. I scowled, and attempted in vain to scratch my back. It took too much effort, so being my lazy self I gave up. I began to get bored, and yawned. //What time is it anyways?// I thought. I must have dozed off, because I don’t remember anything after that. “Roxanne Burnett you are hereby sentenced to living in an orphanage, until you reach the age of adulthood, 18,” A squawking voice aroused me. I blinked, “You scared me for a second there, I thought you were going to say death,” I grinned sleepily; little did I know that being sentenced to that particular orphanage was not a fate of death, but instead severe humiliation. A flabby lady stood in front of me, her chin obscured by rolls of fat, and her legs seemed as if they were thick sausages she used to waddle about on. Lolls of chubbiness overflowed over her sweat pants that bulged with effort of fitting around her robust waste. She was panting heavily obviously exhausted by the brief walk here. “You will come with me dearie; I’m the head of the orphanage. I`m sure you will find it lovely there.” She warbled, talking around lolls of fat. I cringed, and swung my legs over the edge of the bed, struggling to get up. I yanked my I.V. out of my arm, and scowled at the lady, upset that I had to leave my cozy bed. I stabled myself by grabbing onto the rails alongside the bed, and shuddered as a bout of dizziness washed over me. “Come along now dearie, don’t be shy, I’m sure all the kids will love you,” She beckoned me with a wave of her hand. I just about rolled my eyes. I really didn’t want to go, but there was no way I was dodging this one in this condition. Of course that didn't mean I wasn't going to try. Right when we exited the building I was going to make a break for it. I stumbled and tripped while following this colossal mass of a woman, and steadied myself using the wall. Doctors hastily rushed by, more carts screeching with victims whose faces are all a blur to me now. The hallway was a distorted haze of lights blinking overhead and white lab coats flashing by. The end of our journey came rapidly, and my eyes began to dart around wildly, searching for any possible way out of my predicament. An idea struck me, I had to act fast. I screamed, and looked up at the sky and pointed, my finger wavering in the air. “LOOK! LOOK AT THAT! IT’S HEADING STRAIGHT FOR US!” I screeched. Hundreds of heads turned upwards, anticipating the worst. Even my fat escort jerked her head upwards in fear. It was then I made my move, but I had not expected how dizzy I would be by the sudden movement. I pitched forward and bobbed and weaved around people. I began to become lightheaded. My head felt as if it was spiraling upwards, far out of reach of my helpless body so far below. Fatty began to notice my absence, and everything seemed to move in slow motion. She screamed something unintelligible and began to waddle after me. Can you giggle while feeling woozy and sprinting from a plump orphanage head, who might take you away forever, and make your life miserable? I sure can. Things went downhill fast after that. People started to try to grab me and take me down, but the problem was I was already falling. I lurched forwards as their greedy fingertips grazed my sides and the ground rushed up to meet me. All I could think while the people’s heads blotted out the sun above me was, //Am I really this out of shape?//

ENTRY 4 : RABBITS AND WOLVES

I opened my eyes blearily. //I'm really getting tired of passing out,// I thought. A train whistle bellowed in the distance. I felt something crawling on my face and swatted at it. A giant spider fell on my lap. I shrieked. I’m not normally squeamish, but this thing was as big as my fist. I squirmed and fell out of bed, landing with a thump on the floor. My head pounded, and I stood up slowly, searching for my eight-legged friend. I grabbed a book lying on the side table next to my bed, and leaned cautiously over it, poised and ready to strike. //There.// Right underneath a fold of my dusty sheets it stood innocently, rubbing its two front legs together and flexing its fangs. I began to raise the book above my head when I hesitated, //We’re not unalike the two of us,// I began to wonder, //given a bad reputation before we even got to know anyone, seeing that you and I ended up in the orphanage anyways, despite our best efforts. We surround ourselves with an impenetrable outer coating, fierce and unemotional, but on the inside we are lace, delicately and intricately strung, where one wrong weave could bring it all crashing down.// “Jeez,” I groaned, “I'm so sentimental I can’t even kill a spider anymore.” I bent over the bed and instead used the book to scoop the spider up. It darted forwards, and I gasped and almost dropped the book. The spider settled in the middle of the book and seemed to stare up at me with eight tiny, little, black orbs, and stretched its fangs again. It was kind of cute actually. Only I could be that screwed up to find a spider cute. I gingerly carried it over and set the book down gently on the windowsill. It clambered off and scrabbled up the window, and immediately began spinning a web. I sighed. //Great just what I need,// I thought, //a new roommate.// I grinned. I peered past the spider to the outside world. The orphanage`s courtyard was cold and grey, not at all bright or inviting. Ivy scaled the walls and twirled around the rusted iron gates. Rain hurled itself against my window pane, adding to this stereotype orphanage. Leaves danced with the wind, seemingly resilient to the sadness choking the life out of the very branches they fell from. They stretch over the gate like gnarled dead fingers warning orphans away until it was too late and they already crossed the threshold. The air seemed laden with the sadness of hollow hopes and shattered dreams. Simple dreams of having a normal life snuffed as days blurred into weeks, weeks blurred into months, months blurred into years. //It can`t be that bad,// I reassured myself, //you`re just imagining things.// Still, I shuddered. My room wasn't much better. It was a dreary grey, like an ugly duckling that never grew into the fabled swan. A lonely small bedside table teetered on three legs next to my bed, with a stout lamp perched on top. My bed was indented from past users, and was framed by a wooden bed frame, chipped and rough in places. A small cracked mirror hung in a corner, and I jumped as my reflection wavered into focus. My thick, brown, mousy hair was frazzled and matted in long clumps and hung over my shoulders weakly. Freckles flecked my pale face, and splattered over my small nose. My eyes were the color of a pine tree`s bark, and were cold and defensive. Secrets seemed to lurk behind their false sense of sanity, and keys lay hidden and undisturbed, to doors I would rather have stay closed. My sad, broken smile seemed pasted on, and faltered as I wondered if it was really worth hiding behind it. The window was marked and smudged by hundreds of kids yearning fingers and scrunched noses. I`m suddenly happy I have my Converse, they`re the only thing I have from home. My spider was the only lively thing in the room. I'm glad I gave it a second chance. A knock at the door aroused me from my thoughts, “Come in,” I gruffly said. The door opened tentatively, and a small girl stepped out from behind it. She had a broad accepting smile, and eyes that seemed to twinkle with her every small breath, and seemed about 5. She took a wavering step forwards, and looked up at me, and apprehensively asked, “Can you come downstairs with me to the dining room?” It //was// nearing dinner time, and my stomach grumbled indignantly. “Yeah, sure, what’s your name?” I asked, kneeling down to stoop to her level. “Izzy, what’s yours?” She squeaked. “Roxy.” I smiled, hoping it didn’t look like a grimace, and she took my hand and led me hurriedly downstairs. The stairs groaned under our combined weight, and their stained wood surface seemed to buckle with effort. She reached the bottom of the stairs and skipped the last one with and impatient jump. “Hurry up, I'm hungry Roxy!” She grinned, and bounced up and down as I klutzily tromped down the stairs, my Converse squelching beneath me. The hallway widened a bit as we ran, with her tiny sweaty hand engulfed by my large heavily calloused one. Giant double doors loomed before us. Their harsh wooden surface was spider webbed with cracks from slamming innumerable times. Izzy laid a small palm against its cool surface and began to push, grunting softly with effort. I put my hand next to hers and the doors gave way with a stubborn yawn. I blanched at what lay within. Hundreds of kids were laughing and shouting to be heard over the clamorous uproar of their own voices. Izzy ran off to be with a group of her own friends and wolfed down a drumstick barbarically. A high vaulted ceiling stretched over me, and the whole room was a blinding shade of yellow, like a kid in his first day of school picture who is trying to smile way too hard. A wide diversity of emotions laid spread out before me. Some kids cowered in the corners with tears streaming down their cheeks while their aggressors tormented them endlessly, pacing back and forth like an assassins awaiting the kill shot. Grins spread across their faces as their accomplices laughed at others defeat. Everyone was red-faced from shouting to be heard which didn't make these disheartening situations any better. Food was being flung at the victims, and was caked in their hair and slid down their face in slimy globs. Some kids lay unconscious, and mangled in corners, others lay curled up in a fetal position, shuddering, sobs wracking their fragile bodies. I saw all the stages of the same situation with different people of all ages of all genders, but all kids, all happening at the same time in the same place. But at the head of all this was a single dominant bully, to which all of them seemed to be reporting back to. He seemed to inflict harsher, more fatal punishment on his victims, beating them to almost the point of death. I grimaced, and a nickname for him popped up into my head. The Flab. The victims at first were nimble, fragile, frightened rabbits bobbing and weaving through the brush, always looking over their shoulders. But as they are too busy looking over their shoulders, so they miss the obvious, snarling wolf`s paws until they run straight into them. They try in vain to back-pedal, but their large hind legs slip on the mossy forest floor, and the sneering wolf`s maw is already upon them. As its jagged teeth crash down upon their delicate heads they wonder how they could have been so naive. The wolf swallows them whole, and bounds away, off to find its next oblivious prey. All that is left behind is the miniscule skid marks of rabbit’s feet, only one of the many smudges that dot the forest floor. I should have never have left my room.

ENTRY 5 : THE FLAB

I could have just let it go and walked away, but I didn't, cause` I'm funny like that. “Hey!” I shouted, “Hey you!” One of the tyrants whipped around, standing up from beating a smaller whimpering kid. “You`re new here, ain`t you,” He poked me in the chest, “You missy, don’t speak until spoken to, don’t act unless told to, don’t think until told to, and better yet don’t even breathe unless asked to.” He scowled menacingly with his small beady eyes, and his unibrow narrowed. Other tormentors nodded in agreement. Obviously I had found the leader. “Well I have news for you sasquatch, I do what I want!” I poked him back and snapped my fingers in a z formation in his face. Kids gasped all around us, and formed a haphazard ring. He took a lumbering step towards me, his fat jiggling and overlapping his thighs, “You do not insult me in front of my crew!” He snarled and with the last word he slugged me across the face. I flew backwards, the sheer force of his punch causing me to stumble. My hand fluttered to my face, and I straightened up, spitting insults at him, “You`re so fat the only letters of the alphabet you know are KFC!” This had crossed a line, I could see by the snarl on his lips, //Good,//I thought. He struggled to come up with an insult to throw back at me, “Well- no one likes you!” “I could come up with a better comeback than that if I ate alphabet soup and barfed!” I snorted. By then the ring had gotten more aggressive, and started chanting “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!” The Flab and I began to encircle each other, and the ring around us had gone into an eerie silence. It was like the calm before the storm, the lightning before the thunder, the cresting wave before the crash. Adrenaline coursed through my veins. Even I saw this was not in my favor and the Flab knew it, even the crowd knew it. Not even ten minutes settled into an orphanage and I was about to get my butt handed to me. Even if the Flab didn't beat me up the rest of his “crew” surely would. The way I saw it I was screwed. //Might as well go out with a bang//, I thought. “COME AT ME BLUBBER!” I roared, and tensed, expecting the worst. The Flab growled and ran straight for me, his feet scrabbling for a purchase on the slippery tile floor. He lunged and I side-stepped him at the last moment, and whirled around, leaping on his back. His momentum carried him forwards, but didn't cause him to crash the way I had intended. Instead I was stuck on his back with my arms intertwined around his neck in a perverse piggy-back ride. I screamed hoping to dear god he didn't fall backwards on top of me. Turns out he didn't. Instead he grabbed my hands, and flipped me over his back so I landed with a sickening crunch on the tile, on my back. I wheezed, struggling to fill my lungs with air. The crowd around us was dead silent. He grunted and loomed over me, a fire alight in his eyes. I jerked my head over to the left where his nails were digging into my wrist and bit down hard. Not my best Rocky moment, but hey, you got to do what you got to do. It worked. He lurched backwards, shaking me off his hand and bellowing. That bite was definitely going to be infected; I hadn’t brushed my teeth in days. I got up, shaking. He lurched towards me again, this time there was no way I could dodge this one. Instead I drew my lips back in a snarl, and clenched my hand in a tight fist. I belted him straight across the face as he ran towards me. He stopped running, and took a couple steps backwards and seemed dazed for a second as flab rippled across his chubby face. But not for long, he lurched forwards again and this time I didn't have any more tricks up my sleeve. He tackled me straight to the ground, like an ocean wave submerging a quivering leaf, but instead of water I was engulfed by pudginess. I couldn’t breathe. My arm was twisted awkwardly beneath me, and pain coursed through it as the wrist bone snapped. I screamed, but it was muffled by the layers of fat above me. I pushed and scrabbled at it but it didn't give way. It instead flowed like a greasy, sweaty river into my mouth. I gagged. //This is how I'm going to die//, I thought, //suffocated by flab…….but not// //today//. I bit down hard on the corpulence that had begun to enter my mouth, and it jiggled inside my mouth like the grotesque jelly it was, the metallic taste of blood seeped into my mouth. It all retracted suddenly, and I had a feeling many other kids had died the sick death I almost had. I gasped and gulped the musty orphanage air. I squinted and attempted to spring up, but all I could muster was a weak moan. I cradled my mangled wrist on my chest, holding it gingerly as if it were a baby bird with a pulverized wing. Kids retained the Flab and began to drag him backwards out of sight. One of the kids I had seen earlier hovered over me. “Hey. That was a stupid thing you did back there. Stupid but brave. Thanks for standing up for us,” It was a girl, with hair the color of burning embers, and a swollen black eye. “Thanks.” I whispered, through my cracked lips. “C`mon, let`s get you out of here.” She gestured towards the door. I struggled to sit up, and she grabbed my elbow, pulling me up. I winced, and held my wrist tighter. I teetered on unsteady legs, and the ground wavered before me. My eyes widened. “Steady now. Don’t fall.” She grinned. “Great advice.” I smirked, and stumbled forwards towards the double doors. It was a long walk down the hall, and she practically had to drag me up the stairs. “Here`s my room on the left.” She guided me gently to door, scratched and cracked, “You probably shouldn’t sleep in your own room tonight, and they’ll be looking for you. You wouldn’t even last the night.” “Why are you doing all of this for me?” I asked, nudging the door open with my foot. She led me through with a firm grip. “`Cause I`ve been through the same thing.”

ENTRY 6 : THINGS THAT GO SQUEAK IN THE NIGHT

It was a long and nerve-racking night. A train whistle screamed in the distance. I fell asleep staring out the window at the velvety darkness, with a single pin-prick of starlight gleaming in the distance. The tiny star, so far away had enough light to dapple the floor boards, an act of defiance against the night. It made the frost glisten surreally on the window, and a sturdy tree branch drew long gnarled fingers across it, leaving scratches in its wake. It seemed to beckon to me, beckoning for me to come out and be free in the starlight. To let the starlight lay a warm reassuring hand of freedom on my shoulders, and to let it become a beacon of hope to light the way home. //If only I// //had a home,// I thought. Thumps sounded in the hallway. Red-head jolted upwards in bed, and put her index finger to her lips, her eyes widening in fear. She pointed to me, then under the bed. I nodded silently, and rolled carefully sideways, and felt particles of dust tickle my nose as I slid underneath the bed. I winced as my wrist was crushed underneath me, and suppressed a yelp of pain. I lay in wait on my back, staring up grimly at the grey underworld of her bed. I could hear raised voices, angry and annoyed. Kids` voices. The same voices I had heard before my wrist had cracked on the unforgiving tile floor. I inhaled sharply, and instantly regretted it as dust flew into my mouth. I threw my uninjured arm over my mouth just before a cough escaped my lips. It was muffled, but not enough. The door burst open. “Who`s there?” One of the voices hissed. It was the gruff voice of the Flab. 10 pairs of beat up and dirt-smudged sneakers entered my view. //Dirt`s not the only// //thing stained on there,// I thought darkly. One pair of them tapped impatiently. “Just me,” Red-head shyly said. “I thought I heard someone coughing in here.” The sneaker tapped faster. “Well, some people do have allergies, you know.” She sniffed for an added affect. I imagined the Flab eyeing the room suspiciously. “Alright, I guess.” The sneaker ceased tapping, but instead a knee began to touch the floor. I stifled a gasp. “Oh, you don’t want to look under there. I have a rat infestation,” I could hear the smile suppressed in her voice, like she knew something about the Flab I didn't. The knee disappeared, and the sneakers began to back away. I began to make squeaking noises, and grabbed lone a sock and wadded it up into a ball and slid it across the hardwood floor, so that it barely slid past his sneakers and coasted underneath the dresser. The Flab shrieked and squealed, his sneakers shot upwards, disappearing for a moment from my view, and then came thumping back down, shaking the room. I grinned, everyone had their weakness. His was //musophobia//, the fear of rats and mice. The sneakers turned around and began to kick at the other sneakers, “C`mon move, lemme out, lemme out!” His voiced wavered and sounded strangely high pitched. The sneakers stopped moving for a moment then tipped forwards into the 9 other pairs of sneakers. More screeches sounded as the Flab fainted dead away, on top of his crew. Some of the sneakers trembled as they strained against the added weight. They quickly moved aside, and I imagined they grabbed his arms, as the Flab`s sneakers were dragged off and disappeared from view, along with all the other pairs of sneakers. I sighed, relieved as their footsteps sounded down the hallway and faded from earshot. Red-head`s head popped up upside-down from above the bed, a smile kindling in her eyes. “Did you see him jump? What a loser.” She snorted, and somersaulted off the bed, "Oh, and before I forget, the bathroom is just to the right of my door, and the sink`s leaky just in case you`re wondering why there`s a giant bucket underneath it." “Hey I didn't catch your name” I turned my head sideways to see her better. “Theresa. But plllllleeeeaaassse just call me Tess. Theresa sounds like a flower, and trust me I am anything but. If I had to be something related to a flower I would be the thorns on a rosebush.” She smirked. “Pssshhhh, I’d be hemlock. Scruffy, small, but packs a punch. I'm Roxanne, by the way, call me Roxy,” I grinned, “So, how do you know the Flab?” Her grin disappeared, and her eyes became serious. “We go a long way back.” She said curtly. “Long enough to know his fear of rats?” I raised my eyebrows. “Longer than that. I`d rather not talk about it. I`m going back to sleep." Her head retracted and I heard her shifting in bed. "Hey, wait I didn't mean anything. I`m sorry if I offended you, but it is late," I yawned, "so I`ll be sleeping if you need anything." I was out before my head hit the floor.

ENTRY 7: SNOWFLAKES

I was drowning. Again. This time there was no light. There was no wavering flame of hope, no bucket of gold at the end of the rainbow. I flailed, scrabbling at the air that never was. Bubbles streamed from my mouth and trailed upwards to the surface that was out of my reach. I was sinking, fading, screaming silently, the water denying my anguished pleas of freedom. //There.// A tiny light was blinking at the surface, so far away, like a beacon of a hollow hope, adrift on the water, carrying it away, away from me. It seemed like the beam of a lighthouse, the way it sharply sliced through the dark water. It was oddly comforting, that beam of light, and I felt as if I wasn't alone in my fight against the dark. I felt myself relax, and focused on that beam slitting the darkness`s seemingly impeccable scales. It blinked reassuringly. My last bubbles trailed weakly through my lips, and my lungs throbbed with a dull ache. I inhaled and water rushed through my lips and filled my lungs. I gurgled and felt at peace staring at that winking light, defiantly fighting the ubiquitous dark…fighting the dark….the dark….dark……. I gasped and sat bolt upright. This wasn’t the best idea, considering I was still under the bed. “Ow.” I muttered. I rolled out from underneath the bed, my head smarting. //What a great way to start off the morning//, I thought to myself. I sat up and struggled to get to my feet. I glanced outside. Tiny specks of white drifted down lazily from the sky, and dotted the ground below. They reminded me briefly of angel`s down. The snow was finally some resemblance of joy to contrast against the bleak tapestry of the dreary orphanage. Kids were already goofing off outside, at least for a flickering moment, they were carefree kids, nothing on their minds but their ability to make snowballs fast enough. Then the Flab strutted out. I could see, from Tess`s second story window, how their faces contorted with fear. I could almost hear their whimpers of fear as they began to cower and run away. That reminded me, //where was Tess?// I searched the grounds below for her. She stuck out like a sore thumb, the way her hair blazed softly against the drab landscape of grey and white. She was down there defending the innocent yet again. She stood dauntlessly in front of the Flab, pelting him violently with snowballs. This was happening directly below Tess`s window. A cruel idea threaded its way through my mind, and I grinned savagely. I ran from the room and down the hall to the right to the bathroom. I got the bucket from under the sink, I guess the floor would have to get a little wet today, but it was for a good cause. I hurriedly filled it to the brim, and grunted as I lifted it. The water sloshed back and forth as I made the short trek back to Tess`s room. I opened the window and glanced down. The petty snowball fight was beginning to acclimate. Frankly I was surprised that the Flab hadn’t decked Tess already. My arms trembled as I raised the bucket to the window`s height and balanced it on the windowsill. Of course there was no screen. //Bonus//, I thought doing a mental fist pump. “Yo thunder thighs!” I shouted down, and the Flab`s white face looked up at me, “Eat this!” I poured the entire buckets worth of water down onto the Flab. My aim was dead on. Water cascaded all around him, drenching him in freezing cold water. I could see his teeth beginning to chatter. “Don`t catch a cold, sweetie” I drawled in a mocking voice. The Flab gave a bellow of outrage, and waddled back into the building, and I could hear him stomping up the stairs. //Crap//, I thought//, didn't think of that.// Kids below were cheering and laughing, their faces red from the cold and their ceaseless giggles. Tess squinted up at me and gave me a thumbs up, then pointed at the tree and then to the ground. //Oh. Well then.// I thought. I strained to open the window wider. I could hear the Flab`s tromping footsteps echo down the hall, and shuddered at the feat I was about to commit. I stood on the edge of the windowsill, and gasped at the nauseating drop before me. Adrenaline coursed through my system, and I stood poised, my arms outstretched to the spindly boughs of the tree. They wouldn't be thick enough to hold me. I would have to jump to reach the sturdier branches just out of my reach. Tess`s door flew open. “Stop!” the Flab stomped through my doorway. It was now or never. I savored my last view of the Earth. There wasn't much to savor. I leaped from my precarious perch with my arms unfurled like a giant, floundering flying squirrel. I hung there for a moment, just a snowflake dotting the sky. And then I began to fall. The once lazily floating snowflakes hurled themselves against my face, stinging like icy torpedoes. The air was knocked out of me with a whoosh as flopped on a wide branch. I wheezed and grappled for purchase on its gnarled surface. My fingers grasped it, white-knuckled, thankful for its solidity. I lay face down, my cheek pressed against its` weathered surface. I stared blankly ahead, shuddering from the cold and the adrenaline still gushing through my system. Snowflakes nestled themselves in my hair, melting and trickling down my scalp. //At least it’s getting clean,// I thought. The Flab gave an enraged scream from Tess`s bedroom. I grinned to myself, but then the blazing flame of victory began to falter as I realized my growing predicament. It was not that I couldn’t get down, it was that I was cornered from both sides by the Flab.

ENTRY 8: THORNS

The breeze was starting to morph into a howling wind. The branches shook, and I shivered, looking like a wavering leaf with an unsteady stem. Snowflakes turned into ice and pelted my face with an unquenchable rage. It was as if the Flab had nature on his side too. I was wishing I threw a jacket on over my slouchy sweatshirt, and maybe a pair of sweats, just about anything would be warmer than my skinny jeans. I looked over the thick branch I was perched on, and gave a shriek of horror as I my fingers slipped on its cold and now icy surface. They scrabbled at the splintered bark, but in vain. Finally, they got purchase, but I was now dangling precariously, like an overgrown sloth, over the ground, so far away. A collective gasp echoed from below me and I heard Tess curse softly. I squinted upwards and saw the Flab leaning out of the widow and grinning smugly. I flipped him the bird, but I instantly regretted it as I began to slip again from my sudden movement. The Flab scowled, and a tremor coursed through my arms. I chanced glance down at the ground and immediately wished I hadn't. It was a dizzying drop, even though I wasn't normally afraid of heights this was an exception. I clenched my jaw and grit my teeth, and stared blankly up at the sky. Ice continued to bombard my face but I was unfazed by its zealous efforts. I was now barely clinging onto the branch by my fingertips, when my arm suddenly dropped, and I swung from side to side by only one arm like a bizarre pendulum. My eyes widened and I bellowed in fear. I looked down again, this time searching for possible branches to break my fall. My eyes rested on a bush directly below me. Tess pointed from me to the bush now, and I sighed. //Yeah, cause pointing worked out sooooooo well the last time,// I thought ruefully. I chuckled to myself about the absurdity of my predicament when I was only on my second day in the orphanage. I tensed, and let go of my branch. A scream tore itself from my chapped lips as I cascaded down towards the bush, but was stolen by the wind`s greedy fingers. Too late I realized that it was a thorn bush. I lay there for a second staring up at the sky, and the trees finger-like branches reaching upwards, yearning for an escape from this god-forsaken place that never came. Then the pain hit. It roared inside my brain shaking my very being. The thorns stuck into my back, tearing at my skin. My back oozed blood blended with the bush`s red leaves. //Camouflage//, I weakly thought. I absent-mindedly watched my blood drip from the maroon leaves and plummet to the ground like I had moments ago. It tainted the once blinding snow a sickly red, as if my blood was the planted seed of an idea that nothing that you lived for would ever become a reality, as if all you would be left with was your once grand ideas, now diminished to nothing more than shattered, crippled hopes that taunted you with the future of what could have been. My blood was the omen of a grim future to come, a future where you would be like the rest of us, groveling for scraps of something we could not ever possibly fathom, something we could not reach, like the groping branches of a tree, lunging to scrape the sky, but it always eludes it`s reach. Something none of us could reach. I groaned softly, and rolled over, off of the bush. I flopped onto the ground on my stomach, the snow scratching my face, like cold dead fingernails. I heard footsteps crunching in the snow, and white hot pain seared behind my retinas. I panted, as the feet formed into a circle around me. I heard Tess`s indignant shriek as I recognized the Flab`s clumsy footfalls coming towards me. My breathing became more irregular. A fleeting thought raced through my mind to play dead, but I would not let the Flab have that sense of victory. So I kept my eyes open, staring defiantly at the snow, and struggled to get up. I began to stand on trembling legs that were numb, and felt like jelly from hanging for that long of a period of time. I inhaled sharply as more waves of pain crashed down on me, and glared fiercely straight into the Flab`s beady eyes. I could feel thorns jutting out of my back and legs. The Flab was just another one of those thorns, causing me to bleed out and suffer every second writhing in pain. The tsunami was another. The death of my parents. Of my brother. Of the life that was snatched away from me before it began. Of all the kids at this orphanage, stranded to attempt to mend their mangled hearts, just enough to keep them beating. Of Tess, my only friend in this mess, of her own bleeding heart. I would not let those thorns nail my wings to the ground any longer. I would break free and soar. But first I had to deal with the first thorn standing in front of me. “Sup Flab,” I smirked through the pain, “Have a nice drink?” The Flab growled. “I`m sorry our services could not be of satisfaction, perhaps you could try weight watchers again later,” I lopsidedly smirked. We began to circle each other yet again. Tess drew a line across her thought with her hand. //Not now,// she seemed to be motioning. //It`s a little late for that,// I thought. “Hey, you`re so dumb that you got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the Ws!” I grinned lopsidedly, feeling like I was getting back at him for hurting those kids. The Flab suddenly grunted and slugged me straight in the eye. I reeled backwards, falling again into the snow. My back stung, but felt better in the snow`s icy embrace. I attempted to get back up when the Flab hit me with a mean upper cut. My teeth knocked together, and pain raised its ugly head again. I grimaced and spit out a tooth, and reared up on my knees. I tried to get up once more but the Flab belted me across the side of my face, and I fell backwards, lying in the snow. //Get up, get up, GET UP,// I screamed inside my head. The Flab came down on top of me hard, pinning my arms to the ground with his knees, and he clouted me across the face hard again, and I squirmed underneath his suffocating weight. His fists slammed back and forth, back and forth against my face, whipping it from side to side. Blood sprayed on either side of me, and I couldn't breathe. Someone was screaming in the background, obviously outraged, and it was strangely muffled. A red haze obscured my vision, and suddenly I was falling….falling…falling.

ENTRY 9: INSANITY AND ORANGE KOOL AID

I awoke to a face cloth being dabbed against me face. I groaned, and attempted to sit up, and convulsed as pain wracked my body. I abruptly fell back down onto my pillow. //I'm in my room,// I realized with a start, //not Tess`s.// “Easy Roxy. You know you don`t heal as fast as your tongue can cut.” Tess grinned beside me. “Whatever.” I grunted, but stayed lying down anyways. I glanced sideways at the mirror to my right, and jumped, “Geez, I look like crap.” Two black eyes and a split lip stared back at me. My nose was slightly crooked, obviously broken. My eyes were swollen to the point that I could only open them half way. They bulged out of my face, looking enflamed and a bright purple. I looked like a grotesque gold fish from a child`s nightmare. My hair hung limply across my face, and I blew at it half-heartedly. It seemed so dreary, weighing me down, nothing like my personality. I gestured at my hair. “Could you help me to hack this off?” I asked Tess. “Yeah, sure. You`re in luck. My mom used to be a hairdresser until she almost killed me in a drunk- driving accident. That`s why I'm here anyways. We`ll fix your hair tomorrow, you`ll hopefully be a bit better by then.” She stood up from her chair, “It`s kinda late now so I'm gonna turn in. Oh, and don’t worry about Chunk, I took care of him. You need anything before I go?” I now had a name for my oppressor. Chunk. “Nah. Only one question, where`s the head of the orphanage during all of this?” “Up in her office getting drunk and probably smoking cigars by the smell. She doesn't care about us, just as long as the cooks don’t stop cooking, and she gets her paycheck at the end of the week. I`ll see you in the morning.” Tess smiled and left the room. I stared blankly up at the ceiling. The grey ceiling like a muted black sky that never could muster the strength to turn completely black. Cracks webbed all through it, like the cracks webbing through the wall of my sanity. I turned my head to the window and glanced out at the cold night sky. The stars were blotted out by the clouds, smothered by them, dying a quiet death. The snowflakes drifting down from the sky were their tears, their tears of what they could have done, but now never will, the frozen tears of a million stars, drifting down from the sky to blanket the ground below in white. It was a deathly blanket, which killed all of the plant life, and took the lives of some of the animals, if the stars couldn't live, nothing could. I sighed and closed my eyes. The second I did I was trapped in my own world of grey walls and the stars` cold-hearted tears, and silent cries. The morning came all too fast. The sunlight trickled through the window and curled up on the palm of my outstretched hand in a golden blob. It reminded me strangely of a kitten. //You`re delusional,// I thought to myself. Tess tumbled through the door, and fell gawkily on her face. “Sup klutz?” I stretched. “Good morning to you too” she grumbled, hauling herself up. “Hey so I was thinking about what I wanted to do with my hair and I've found a perfect hairstyle that seems to fit me.” “Yeah? So what is it?” “A pixie cut! Dyed a flamboyant neon orange, like an orange on steroids!” “Hmmmm. Well that’s definitely original.” She raised her eyebrows, “But how are we gonna get your hair to turn orange?” I thought for a moment when an idea dawned on me, “Well, so I was thinkin-“ “It`s a miracle,” Tess interrupted and groaned. “I was //thinking// that if we stole some bleach and some orange Kool Aid, we could hack off my hair, bleach it, and dye it.” I suggested. “It`s weird, but it would probably work. We could steal the Kool Aid from the cooks; I know they give it out like every day, so they must have a stash of it somewhere. The bathroom always smells like bleach so they must clean it daily. I`ve seen the workers bringing it back to a supply closet…….” She trailed off. “Yeah, so where is it?” I raised my eyebrows. “In the Head`s office.” I groaned, “Seriously?” She nodded. “Great. We`ll have to go at night to get the bleach, but we can just go today to go get the Kool Aid. I mean, how hard could stealing from chefs be?” I grinned. “They "They have a lunch break in like…..,” she glanced at the clock, “Five minutes.” “YES!” I fist-pumped, “Alright, let`s go, I'm so PUMPED!” “C`mon, C`mon, we gotta go now or we`ll lose our opening!” Tess was practically jumping up and down as she gestured towards the door. I didn't wait for a second invitation. I jumped out the door and turned a sharp right and bolted down the stairs. I felt like I was on a covert mission. My feet flew down the stairs and became a blur beneath me. Cooks filed out of the lunch room like blood oozing from an open wound. I panted heavily and leaned nonchalantly against the wall, and Tess did the same behind me. The cooks’ grumbles about pesky orphan kids resided to faint murmurs as they trudged down the hall. They turned a corner and disappeared from view. I grinned and Tess beamed back. I ran into the lunch room and winced as the doors creaked. I glanced back at Tess and shrugged. She rolled her eyes and pushed me forwards, and I giggled. I raced into the room, and my footsteps echoed loudly and seemed to fill up the arched ceiling of the cafeteria. Tables whipped by me, morphing into a brown and black haze. The sickly sweet aroma of rotting food filled my nostrils and my nose wrinkled. It seemed to be coming from the two trash cans stationed at the front of the cafeteria. Tess and I exchanged a disgusted glance; the cooks obviously hadn’t cleaned out the trash can in what seemed like months. We slowed down our pace as we approached the doors leading to the kitchen. My hand grasped the handle's cool slick surface, and it turned easily without so much as a creak as I pushed inwards. . I glanced warily around the kitchen. No cooks in sight. Stainless steel appliances reflected my mortifyingly abused face back at me. it was contorted and twisted in the steel, but it`s main grotesque features such as my swollen black eyes, still remained prominent. Tess`s red hair flashed in the background, causing me to jump. Marble table tops dully glimmered, and a rack of knives stood sullenly in the corner. Cobwebs hung in the lights and in the corners of the room. It was a sorry looking kitchen. //There!// Orange Kool Aid was sitting in the back corner of the room. I motioned to Tess and ran for it. I grabbed the 6 pack with one hand and fist-pumped. Voices echoed in the cafeteria. I grimaced, and Tess`s eyes widened. “Crap, get in the oven, get in the oven!” I whispered franticly. I was flashing back to Jurassic Park. I guess the cooks weren`t far off from velociraptors. They sure were ugly enough. All the racks from the oven were sitting in the sink. Thank god today was cleaning day. Tess crammed herself into the oven first, and then I crawled in second. We were sitting across from each other with our knees scrunched up against our abdomens. I reached out and shut the oven door on us. It closed with a clang, and caught my sleeve in it. “Crap, crap, crap,” I muttered attempting to yank my sleeve out of the oven door. Tess began to giggle, “What?” I scowled. “Nice going, //Timmy//,” she smirked. “Hey at least I found a hiding spot, so what if it’s an oven?” I shrugged, at least as much as I could in an oven. The air was arid and I coughed, and clapped my hand over my mouth. I heard the cooks muffled voices from outside our oven. The Kool Aid was jammed up against my face, and I was beginning to get cramps. The wires snaking along the bottom dug into my bony butt. “Couldn't you have picked a more comfortable oven?” Tess whispered. “Sorry they don’t make luxury ones.” I began to pick at some unknown flaky material on the side of the oven. Suddenly I found some odd gooey ooze on the side of the oven next to the flaky stuff. “Ewwww. Do they ever even clean this thing?” I whispered as I prodded at the ooze. It reeked of chicken fat. I grinned and picked up the ooze with my finger and flung it at Tess. It landed on her face with a wet //SMACK!// It slid down the side of her face and landed in her lap. Her face was priceless, and she began to squirm to get the chicken fat out of her lap. “Ew ew ew ew ew!” She squealed. I guess chicken fat brings out the inner girly girl in everyone. I was red-faced with stifled laughter. I made a weird snorting noise, and struggled to contain my laughter. The muffled voice outside the oven abruptly silenced. I saw a shadowy shape silhouetted behind the ovens glass. A crack of light appeared at the oven`s door. I heard a sudden loud booming laugh, and more muffled voices. The oven closed shut again with a slam. Instead the wires beneath my butt began to heat up. Tess paled, and I knew she was feeling the same hotness. Beads of sweat began to stream down my face. I panted, and the air got even drier. “Now I get what Hansel and Gretel felt like,” Tess gasped as the wires heated up even more. The very air I was breathing began to sear my lungs, “Ok on three we break down the oven door and run for it.” I wheezed. Tess nodded. “One.” I grimaced. “Two.” Tess`s breathing began to become more labored. “Three.” My butt was literally burning off. In one fluid motion Tess and I rammed ourselves against the oven door and it flew open, and we lay dazed for a moment in the cold air of the kitchen. I blinked, grasped the Kool Aid tightly in my hand and blearily struggled to stand. I kicked Tess, waking her up, and I bent over and hauled her up with my other hand. A cook lay on the ground screaming and clutching his burnt leg. Other cooks lay sprawled about on the floor, obviously we had taken down quite a few in our effort to avoid getting baked. Tess grunted as she struggled to stand, and we both sprinted, more like quickly stumbled, out the door. “STOP!” Footsteps echoed behind us. I glanced back. A rotund cook trailed in our wake. He was red faced and panting heavily from the brief run it took to get out the kitchen door. //What is it with fat people running after me?// I thought. “Don’t look now; Fat man is coming to save the day,” I giggled, “Buh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh FAT MAN!” Tess snorted as she looked back, and we continued to run, and Fat man disappeared from view. We sprinted up the stairs, and didn't stop till we collapsed on the floor in her bed room, exhausted. “Well that couldn’t have gone better,” Tess groaned sarcastically. “Totally worth it though,” I panted raggedly. The Kool Aid dug into my fingers that were clutching at it so tightly, and I sighed. My hand was going numb, and I shook it. It throbbed numbly with pins and needles. I glanced out the window just as the last rays of light were swallowed by the gaping maw of the darkness. “Time to get moving,” Tess grinned toothily. I moaned again, “I`d rather live with a wolf than get up.” Tess nimbly sprung up into a crouching position, and stood up. She kicked me stubbornly. “Ccccoooommmmeeee ooooooonnnn,” She whined. I got up obligingly, and stumbled out the door. She put a finger to her lips, and gestured down the hall. We padded together, our footsteps echoing softly down the hall. A single door stood front of us, cracked and dilapidated. It seemed somber, like it was keeping the world from the horrors that lay lurking behind it. It couldn’t keep out all the horrors. Smoke seeped from beneath the door, and stained the air with a putrid reek. I gagged, and reached cautiously towards the door knob. It creaked as it swung inwards and a waft of smoke slapped me across the face. I struggled to breathed, and my eyes began to water. A single silhouette of a chubby woman shone blearily through the continuous wafts of smoke. She giggled manically, a blood curdling noise, and I shuddered. She wielded a slender beer bottle as if it was a sword, and took a hearty swig. Liquid sloshed to the floor, and my nose wrinkled at the overpowering scent. A cigarette flew to the floor, like a twisted snowflake. It still smoldered, and she immediately lit another, and the smoke began to pour out of it again. This place was an inferno waiting to happen. I kneeled, and crawled across the floor, Tess following behind me. The closet door was wide open, not all surprisingly, judging by the haphazard mess of papers splayed across the floor like soldiers shot down in the front lines. My knees pounded softly across the floor, and more papers crinkled beneath me like dead leaves. I winced as I saw the whites of the headmasters eyes zero in on me, blank and hazy. Then they darted around the room once more, animal like, and then went back to staring off into the distance at something only she could see. I continued to crawl. We reached the closet door, and I peered cautiously inside. Bleach was sitting atop the highest shelf in the closet in a vain attempt to hide it from unwanted eyes. I stifled a cough, the smoke continued to seep into my eyes and trickle down my throat. I stood up slowly, poised and ready to bolt, as if it was a raging lion in the corner of the room instead of a fat imbecile. Tess warily watched my back, and was ready to sprint out the door with me at any time. I stood on my tip toes and strained to reach the bleach. //Got it!// My fingers brushed its dusty surface and wrapped around its handle. It toppled over and fell to the floor with a low thump. I gasped softly, and whirled around to look wide eyed, face-to-face with the headmaster. She reeked, the smoke seeping from her pores, and grunted softly. She was a twisted dragon, a disgrace, a reject. A pitiful success story, probably from this same orphanage. A dragon that was too cowardly to jump and test its wings, that were now gnarled and mangled, out of use. Her teeth jutted out, yellowed, just like the whites of her eyes that continued to dart blindly around the room. They focused on me, and then I saw the pain. It howled and roared, eating away at the insides of her warped and hollow soul that moaned pitifully for the blissful escape of death. It was just out of reach but I could see it was near, crouching poised, lurking in the shadows, patiently waiting for it`s time to strike. Her eyes were blank and dead. I shuddered and began to back away slowly. //Was this our only hope? Is this// //what we will become? Is this our leader? The one who stands for us, protects// //us? No, this is far worse, this is a flickering ember of what used to be, what// //could have been. This is all we have.// I snatched the bleach off the ground and bolted through the door, Tess scampering ahead of me. We rounded the corner and skidded into her room, panting raggedly. “We did it!” She grinned through gasps, rubbing at a stitch in her side. I nodded and grinned back “Heck yeah we did, loser cruiser!” I playfully punched her in the side. After the hours seemed to blur. We hacked my hair off, and it became light and tough-looking. It reminded me of the spider in my room, only weeks ago, but it had seemed like years. We used the same bucket that I had used to dump water on the Flab, and filled it bleach and soaked my hair until it turned a pure white. We dumped the bleach out the window, and then refilled the bucket with Kool Aid, and re-soaked my hair in it. It turned a flamboyant orange, like a bonfire defiantly raging against the dying of the light. I looked at myself in the mirror and grinned. It hung in thick feathered chunks over my left eye, and seemed wispy and light as it covered the rest of my scalp. My brown eyes glowed, and my plethora of freckles seemed to dance and wrinkle with my beaming grin. This was the happiest I had been in ages. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I squealed despite myself, jumping up and down. Tess smiled, looking relieved. “I'm glad you like it so much, but it`ll only stay this way for a couple of months.” I beamed again, staring at my hair. I didn`t really care at the moment. It really did bring out my personality, daring and audacious, blazing against the shadows. Someone who as soon as their feet graze the floor in the morning, the devil says, “Aw crap, they`re up.” Someone who kindles a flame of hope, no matter how small. Someone who looks at spiders in the corners of rooms and sees herself. Someone who fights back against the tyrants of the day and the demons of the night trapped inside her head at night. Someone who cares, and goes down with a fight. Someone who blazes against the dying of the light.

ENTRY 10: BUTTERFLIES

Days flew past. I soon grew sick of the orphanage, and its grey walls and its belly filled with the trudging feet of hundreds of orphans. Chunk had fought me almost every other day, leaving no room for my black eyes to fade or the bloodstains to turn from red to brown. Seasons passed. I grew tired and my wavering flame of hope began to grow dim, barely illuminating the shadows that lurked in its wake. I was becoming worse for wear. Even Tess had developed a limp from when Chunk had kicked her ankle in a nasty fight. Exhaustion was constantly making our limbs grow laden; grappling with our bodies and latching onto us to become a deadly burden. My hair had grown out of it`s blazing orange, and had turned back into a rich brown. It looked better than it had before we dyed it, and looked more of the color of the darker feathers on a sparrow`s back. It curled in waves down to my sholderblades. I sighed and looked out the window. Another cloudy day with a fierce wind, and the rain began to patter lightly at the window, like fingertips beckoning to the outside world. The gates clanged violently outside, screeching horribly. I curled up tighter in my cold, scratchy bed, squeezing my eyes tightly shut. Maybe if I shut them hard enough I would open them and discover I was somewhere else. Maybe somewhere the sun actually pierces through the clouds of defeat, instead of lingering behind them. Maybe where a fat kid wouldn't haunt my dreams. Maybe where I had more than one friend. Maybe where I had a family. Maybe where I was wanted. Maybe where I //belonged.// Tears began to seep through my closed eyelids. //What would it have been like? An older brother to tease me? A mother to scold me? A father to protect me from the world with his embracing arms? Why?// I thought, //Why me? Was it because you thought I could cope? You all high and mighty sitting atop your throne in the sky? Was it because you enjoy watching us grovel for scraps, and when you promise a steak you give us poison? You promised me an orphanage and you gave me a prison.// I stared defiantly at the ceiling, tears streaming down my face. I rolled over and glanced at the spider wavering on a thin line of web. //Stay on the web,// I thought to it. //Don’t fall. Please don’t fall. Don’t fall. Don’t fall. Don’t fall.// It fell. It plummeted to the ground, and I lurched forwards to try to catch it. The spider caught itself, its spindly limbs grappling with the thin thread, and it hauled itself back upwards to its precarious perch and continued onwards as if nothing had happened. I grinned sadly to myself, and wiped away my tears, wincing as my fingers grazed my black eyes. I stood up and glanced around my dreary room, and opened the door wearily. I trudged down the hall and down the stairs, my fingers trailing behind me on the wall. The stairs moaned their usual grief, and I sympathized with them. Bearing the weight of the world, it was all you could do to not moan. My stomach growled indignantly, and I turned the corner into the cafeteria. It was empty, thank god because it was all I could do to not punch anyone who attempted to say hi to me in the face. I didn't feel like socially interacting with anyone today. I trudged towards a left-over muffin with crumbs tumbling off it`s top, and picked it up and began to nibble on it absent mindedly. The hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up. Something wasn't right. I whirled around, and discovered myself face to face with Chunk. My eyes widened and I let out a stifled shriek. His breath reeked, and his eyes were nothing more than beady, black, soulless pits of darkness. His lips were pulled back in a feral snarl. “No one stands up to me. No one. But you do. You continue to rise after I have made you fall. But now, your little sidekick isn't around to protect you. And guess what happens to embers that stray too far from the flame.” He growled, our faces mere inches apart. “They start another fire?” I snarled. “No, they get snuffed under peoples` //feet//!” He ended his last word with a stinging uppercut to my jaw. Other members of his crew began to emerge from underneath tables, inside the kitchen, and seemed to materialize from the shadows as I fell backwards onto the ground. They formed a circle around me and I struggled to get to my feet, but one of them shoved me back down. My eyes darted franticly around me. There was no exit out of this one. All I saw were sneering faces, and cold eyes looking down on me. There was bloodlust lurking within their eyes, and I could tell they weren’t just here to teach me a lesson. They were here to silence me for good. “Let`s do this quietly, we don’t want our little canary here to start singing.” Chunk smirked, confirming my suspicions. I heard the door to the cafeteria close shut. I began to panic, adrenaline racing through my veins. My breathing became ragged and rapid as I struggled to get up again. My efforts were silenced by a sharp kick to my stomach. I curled up into the fetal position. Kicks began to rain down on me from all sides, to my ribcage, my abdomen, and my back. I cried out in pain, and whimpered, and began to wail, a horrible keening animal-like moan. Another kick to my larynx silenced that, and it instead morphed into choked wheezing noises. My nose exploded in pain as someone kicked my face. Blood splattered the floor, and my eyes began to swell as they continued to kick my face. Another blood-curdling, muffled groan escaped my lips. “Stop, stop.” Chunk muttered, and I could almost imagine a malicious smile creeping across his face, “Let`s give her something she won`t forget.” The kicking ceased abruptly, and the pain was worse now. I heard the ringing sound of silverware, and the slick sound of a knife being drawn from its sharpener. I began to squirm away, but slowed as pain coursed through my body. I heard his footfalls come closer and closer. “Hold down her arms and legs,” he commanded gruffly. I tried in vain to yell, to get someone to help me from this horrible fate, but all that emerged was a pathetic, dry squeak. My arms and legs were pinned down to the tile floor, and it`s coldness seemed to reach through my very being. I felt as if I were a butterfly, pinned down by pins in its wings on a wall, forgotten about, crumbling to dust, helpless, hopeless. I struggled against their vice-like grip, and thrashed my head from side to side. Chunk`s fleshy hand held my head in place, and my entire body was tensed. His double chin brushed up against my lower jaw and I shuddered. “Hey, I see that you liked your chin so much you decided to add another one,” I guffawed. He glowered, but continued to stroke the knife against my cheek. “You know it’s a shame to waste such a pretty face,” I scowled and spit in his face. It landed in his eye and he blinked furiously, “But for you I`ll make an exception!” He hissed. He stopped stroking the knife against my cheek, and instead slit a jagged, deep cut from above my eyebrow to my jawbone. I gasped as blood streamed down in warm oozing rivulets down the side of my face. It pooled on the floor beneath my head, a grotesque halo. I kept my eyes open, unblinking, staring defiantly into his eyes. I didn't want to go with my eyes closed, I wanted to stare him down every second of it, go out smoldering and blazing. I jerked back and forth again, and struggled to get up. My eyes began to flutter shut despite my wanting to keep them open. The entire side of my face on the damaged side had gone slack. I couldn't feel anything and it had begun to go numb. My hair was pasted to the side of my face by the sticky blood. The cafeteria door slammed open with a bang, and Tess`s familiar yell echoed through the hall. The weight was lifted from my arms and legs, but they still felt weighed down, as if they were still pinned to the floor like buttery`s wings. I found it was a struggle to breathe. Everything seemed muffled as if I was that butterfly trapped inside a glass case watching the world blur past me, preserved in time to do nothing but watch as my wings fade to dust. Tess seemed to move in slow motion as she beat back the Flab`s crew. It was as if everything was submerged in molasses and I watched the scene unfold in front of me blearily. My head pounded rhythmically, and suddenly I was sinking beneath the tile floor and spiraling out of control, and I was falling into a trench of darkness, and could not stretch out my iridescent wings as they were still pinned beneath me. I left nothing but a trail of powdery dust from my decaying wings in my wake as I plummeted into darkness.

ENTRY 11: SISTERS

I opened my eyes blearily and pain jackknifed through my head. I let out a muffled groan and pulled the covers of my bed over my head, whimpering as if a monster had just surfaced beside me. The coarse covers rubbed painfully against my scabbing scar, and I pulled them away from my face. I began to stare at the ceiling like I had so many nights before. No sunlight slithered through my window, but instead there was a harsh pale light given off by the clouds that flung rain against the windows. Thunder roared in the distance and lightning blazed its mute fury. It was probably more than half way through the day, given the darkish tint to the clouds. I gazed through my half swollen shut eyelids, entranced by the rain as it cascaded in small globules down the window. They melded with one another, morphing into a giant unstoppable droplet, until it met its untimely end at the windowsill outside. The spider still performed its delicate dance on its intricate web. I grew tired of watching the droplets and slowly turned on my other side, ignoring the piercing pain that pounded all over my body. I jumped as I saw myself in the mirror, and grimaced at the fresh wave of agony. My eyelids were swollen to the size of fat purple grapes, and looked about the same color. A ragged scar narrowly missed my right eye, and ripped all the way down to just before my chin. It was a fiery, angry red, with flaps of flesh sagging off it. The air was filled with the scent of festering flesh. The edges of it were lined with a sickly yellow pus. I prodded at it gingerly, and my eyes watered at the raging pain that followed. The foul smelling pus began to ooze in chunks down my face, leaving a slimy trail in its wake. My pillow was wet with a mixture of blood and the pungent pus. I stared, unblinkingly into my reflection`s eyes. Laced with burst bloodshot veins as if they were dams, laced with cracks, futilely straining to hold back the raging torrent of insanity. Dams that couldn't hold up much longer and had already started to leak. A quote from someone who I couldn't remember popped up into my head. //“The hands that light a match when snared in a wick are the hands that kindle their own destruction.”// It seemed that I had kindled my own demise as soon as I had naïvely stepped foot in this orphanage. I had struck a match I couldn't control when I had first stood up to Chunk, and now it had become the inferno that sought to destroy me. Control is the illusion. It is something that never was, never will be. It is the memories of my family that I had tried so hard to hold onto, but watched them slip away along with their pale, water-logged bodies. //It`s ironic,// I thought, //I want so fiercely to hold onto the memories of their life, but the only memories I have of them are their deaths.// I sighed, and turned over again so I was facing the window. The rain continued to fall. Falling like my hopes. Falling like my tears. Falling like the innocent kids in this orphanage I will never get to save. This orphanage was a Venus-fly-trap, and I was the unlucky fly that had flown ignorantly into its gaping maw. It was slowly killing me, and all I could do was watch as my lifeblood was sapped away and all that was left was a pair of wings. I gasped as pain seared through me, and I trembled, feeling as though I was a leaf torn apart by a raging wind. I had to escape from here. Anything was better than this asylum. It was that moment when Tess burst through the door. She gasped, “Jesus Roxy. He really hates you.” “You don’t say!” I grumbled, as she stumbled farther into my room. “Here, wait right there, I'm gonna go get you a cold face cloth or something to put on that.” She gestured to my face, and limped down the hall into the bathroom, her ankle still swollen from when the Flab kicked it months ago. She trudged back into the room a few minutes later with a face cloth clenched in her hand, dripping rhythmically onto the floor. “Here,” she gave me the face cloth, and I gingerly pushed it against my cheek. “Thanks,” the cold face cloth soothed my burning cut. I gave a quiet sigh of relief, “Tess, I think we need to get out of here.” “What do you mean?” She eyed me suspiciously. “I mean like run. Anywhere is better than this, we could get out. All we need is a plan.” “But what about the other kids?” “We`ll lead the way for them. It seems like Chunk doesn't bother them unless they provoke him. We`ll show them that they can get out if they want it badly enough.” “Where are we gonna go, Roxy? I mean think about it, we aren’t exactly street worthy.” “We could make it. Come on Tess, what could be worse than here?” She stared off into the distance, considering it, “I guess it worth a shot.” “Ok so here`s what I was thinking…”

An hour later, I was squirming into a tight black t-shirt, and hopped up and down to pull on my black leggings. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was built like a small bird, ready to take flight at a moment’s notice. I seemed to stand permanently on my toes these days, always ready for an oncoming blow. I had recovered surprisingly well since Tess had forced me to take a nap, despite my protests. All that remained of my agonizing pain was a dull throbbing headache. My hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail. I bent over and laced up my black converse, they seemed as beat up as I felt and looked. They`ve been with me through a lot. I padded down the hallway into Tess`s room. I knocked on the door. “Hey Tess, you ready?” I whispered through the crack in the door. “More than I`ll ever be,” She flung open the door, and we retreated further back into her room. She lifted her window, and the rain hurled itself against the screen, and poured onto the hardwood floor. “I got this,” I shouted above the wind that was now blowing fiercely into her room, and kicked the screen out with one foot, and ended up stumbling backwards. Tess raised her eyebrows at me but gestured towards the window, as if to say //your idea, you go first.// I crouched, poised on the window pane, and flung myself out of it, clutching to the thicker branches of the tree. They were slick with rain, and I struggled to find purchase. The tree shook, and Tess appeared beside me, her eyes wild. She nodded with her head back towards the window, and screamed something that was torn away by the wind. I looked back at the window, which was obscured by a large figure. The Flab. I began to climb downwards, and Chunk`s face disappeared from the window. My converse slipped on the boughs of the tree, and for a moment I was left dangling my fingertips. My feet swung back and forth in midair, and adrenaline coursed through my system. Tess`s eyes widened beside me, as I flung myself to the side. //I am// not //falling into those freaking thorn bushes today.// I hugged a branch, leaves becoming plastered to my face, and branches whipping my legs. We were almost to the bottom. I hastily climbed downwards , my hair pasted against my face, and the storm raged above me. Tess ascended beside me, in the same struggling manner. We had to get to the ground before Chunk managed to drag his flabby butt down the stairs. //I hope he falls,// I darkly thought//, the bigger they are the harder they fall.// A brief image of the Flab falling down the stairs and ending up in a handstand flashed through my head. //Hah, he would probably be knocked unconscious from his own layers of fat hitting him in the face.// I grinned at the image, and missed a branch with my foot. I gasped, and choked on the rain. I plummeted, branches mangled and snapping in my wake. I fell into the thorn bushes. I gave a cry of outrage. “AAAARRRRGGGGHHH! What is it with these frigging bushes?!” I screamed, waving my arms, which wasn't the best choice under the circumstances. “You all right?” Tess shouted from somewhere above me, and tumbled down on top of me. “Ow, not anymore, get your bony butt off me!” Thorns poked into my back, and I gave Tess a halfhearted shove, my bruised arms straining. She rolled off onto the ground, “At least I had a soft landing, and you make a good pillow Roxy.” “I'm glad you think so, it was always on my bucket list, to be a pillow for great and powerful Tess.” I grumbled stubbornly. My bruises ached with a renewed vigor, and thorns stuck out of my shirt, making it prickly and uncomfortable. “C’mon, c’mon we gotta go!” I sprung up and ran, Tess close on my heels. Every step was accompanied by a sucking, squelching noise as the mud hung onto my feet. It slowed us down considerably, and I heard I shout from behind me. The Flab had gotten down the stairs. I groaned, and pointed behind us. Tess whipped around her eyes darting around franticly. A giant lumbering shape appeared out of the rain. The gate loomed before us. It’s cold, spindly, swirls flaked in rust, turning it a sickly reddish brown, like the blood that tints the orphanage floor. A chain with a gaudy looking lock hung from it, interlocking them. //How are we going to get over this thing?// I thought, wracking my brain for answers. “Roxy?” Tess motioned to the gate, screaming over the wind. The gate thrashed in the wind trying fiercely to break fee. “Climb! Put your feet in the rungs!” I shouted. Wind whipped my hair into my eyes and face, and I scowled in determination. My clothes were soaked to the bone, and were plastered to my body along with my sopping pony tail, now pulling loose. My wet hands scrabbled at the rungs, rust digging into my fingers, and scratching them raw. I gasped, rain rushing into my mouth instead of the air I was so hoping. I began to climb, pushing steadily upwards. My head cleared the top of the gate, and I could see the cold unforgiving world beyond. A train track that I couldn't see before cut the ground beside the road leaving the orphanage. The same train that had wailed so many night s before. Branches from overhanging trees snapped against my face, leaving bright red streaks in their wake. Their green leaves bent back in the wind, the leaves pried loose and caked onto my face like a living mask. I shook my head which pried some of them loose. A cold, fleshy hand grabbed my ankle. I screamed and looked down. The Flabs beady eyes glared up at me, a sick grin scrawled across his lips. His nostrils flared and his brown hair was matted and in a in a frenzy. He began to pull me down. “Get //off// me!” I screamed at him, my eyes blazing with hatred. I shook my foot and slammed his hand against the gate along with my ankle. I winced, and hopped over the fence. I landed lightly, nothing more than a sparrow leaving the nest. Tess landed heavily beside me. The Flabs eyes smoldered with frustration at me through the gate. “I hope you die out there.” He snarled. “I`ll take my chances,” I punched his jaw through the gate; he blinked, and recoiled, stumbling backwards. I began to walk away, Tess alongside me. A gut-wrenching scream of metal on metal screeched behind me. There was a sizable dent in the gate. Chunk was beginning to ram into it. I inhaled sharply, and couldn't bring myself to move. I was frozen in place; the spring tempest became more intense. The wind howled through the branches, and I could hear Tess`s ragged breaths beside me. I stared wide eyed, as the gate fell forwards with a defeated groan. Chunk stumbled forwards, a scowl scrawled across his face. “Run.” I whispered to Tess, but she had already started. I slipped, and struggled to get traction on the slippery mud of the path. My feet flew and my heart raced, a fluttering sparrow straining against the cage-like walls of my rib cage. I wiped away hair and rain drops from my face, and a fleeting thought raced through my mind. //This will be the closest thing I've had to a shower in almost two years.// Gravel began to crunch underfoot as I began to cross the railroad. Small stones flew up behind me, skittering across larger rocks. I didn't see the rails until too late. I gave a yelp of surprise as my foot caught in the track. There was a slight rise, and my foot had caught underneath it. It twisted me around, and I landed on the ground with a hard //crunch//. The sleek, shining metal had a rough underside to it, and it scratched at my leggings. I winced and tugged at my leg. I couldn't move, and I began to thrash about, panic overtaking me in an icy torrent that tingled down my spine, and electrified me. I gave an animal like scream that was drowned out by the wind. Tess glimpsed back at me. “KEEP GOING! GET OUT OF HERE!” I shouted at her. I looked forwards, and instantly regretted my choice. The Flab came towards me at full speed (as full speed as someone that fat can go) and dived at me, a look of pure malice in his eyes. A guttural cry escaped his lips, and I pulled a matrix, arching my back, and twisting backwards, as if doing the limbo. He soared over me, landing in a crumpled heap of flesh on the other side of me. The tracks began to tremble, but so softly I brushed it off as a figment of my paranoid imagination. I violently thrashed back and forth, attempting in vain to fee my trapped leg. Warm globules of blood streamed down my leg as the rusted metal bit into my flesh. I grunted as Chunk slugged me from behind me. My head whipped to the side, and I whirled around and punched him in the nose. It exploded with blood, which oozed down his face, dripping onto the tracks. He wound up, as if preparing to strike me again, and his fingers had barely grazed my cheek when he was pitched violently to the side by a red blur. //Tess//. I let out a small scream of frustration. “Tess! I told you to keep going!” “I'm not leaving you here Roxy.” She growled through clenched teeth as she kicked the Flab`s shins, and he collapsed into the wet gravel. The rain continued to pour down. He doubled over sideways in pain. She rushed over to me as he struggled to get up. She began to pull at me hurriedly, and I groaned with pain, my shin now profusely gushing blood. It stained the gravel beneath it an ugly maroon. I began to feel lightheaded, but continued to squirm, working my leg inch by inch out from underneath the tracks. The tracks really were trembling with the weight of an oncoming train. Our eyes met for a moment, and exchanged looks of dread. Tess shrieked as Chunk pushed her aside. It seemed almost gentle, as if he didn't really want to hurt her. //Does he like Tess?// I thought briefly before dismissing it. My ear rang as the Flab`s pudgy hand wacked into my ear. I winced, but ignored it and continued to pull at my leg. It was almost to the sneaker now. The tracks were now at a full on spastic shudder. It rubbed against the lower part of my leg, creating a rough cut tracing all the way down half of my shin. Gravel began to jump, and a train horn screamed in the distance, although not as far away as I had previously hoped. Tess barreled into the Flab, stopping his oncoming fist yet again. They continued to fight behind me, both of them struggling to reach me, one for death, and one for life. The tracks continued to quiver. Panic overwhelmed my brain, and for a moment I was submerged in wild, animal like fear. I thrashed back and forth, pulling at my leg aggressively. I forced myself, to calm down, and listen to my heartbeat in unison with the familiar soft footsteps of the rain beside me. My breathing began to slow, and I wiggled my calf back and forth, back and forth. It was now down to my ankle. I was almost free. The train’s headlight pierced the gloom in front of me, and illuminated me in the darkness. I gasped, and snuck a glance up at it. It was considerably closer than I thought it had been, and my breathing began to grow ragged again. Tess appeared at my shoulder, her hair in a fiery halo around her head. It was matted in clumps, and blood trickled down her chin. A grimace played across her lips, and grim determination was blazing in her eyes. She grabbed my shoulders and wrenched me backwards. I yelped in pain, but she continued to pull. The tracks quaked, and the train`s horn blared, this time only a few minutes away. “Tess go! At least one of us can make it out of here and I want it to be //you//! You are my only friend, my only family in this place! You are my sister, not by blood but by the bonds of our hearts! Get out of here Tess!” I shouted at her, our faces illuminated by the oncoming train. “No! I'm not leaving you here! You`re my sister too! If you die I won’t be able to get out of this place! I`ll have nothing to live for, I`ll be trapped here to live out the rest of my days! I can never leave, I have a family! The problem is they run this place!” She sobbed. The final pieces clicked into place. Why Tess knew exactly where the bleach was, and why she knew exactly when the cook`s lunch break was. Why she knew I wouldn't make it through the night if I didn't sleep in her room. I gasped from pain as she tugged me backwards again, her arms slipping on my wet, clammy arms. “Tess, I'm so sorry. We`re all we`ve got.” I looked back at her, our eyes connecting through the pelting rain, the train`s headlights reflecting in a small pinprick of light in hers. We didn't need any words. We knew then that this was the last time we would ever see each other. A bittersweet smile kindled in her eyes, and I could feel the same one dancing across my lips. Tears streamed down my cheeks, mixing with the rain. “You`ll always be a sister to me.” She whispered and hugged me as the train raced closer. I hugged her back fiercely. “You`ll always be my sister too.” She gave one final wrench, and pulled me up and out of the tracks, tossing me to the side as she did so. I landed hard on the gravel, out of the way of the train, and looked back up at Tess. She had fallen pulling me out of the tracks, and was now laying across the train tracks with a calm and blazing look at the same time about her. Her red hair seemed alight in the train’s headlight, and her ocean blue eyes found mine for the last time. She gave a reckless grin, and mouthed a word I didn't hear. I screamed. “TESS NO!” She was flung into the air, and the deafening screech of bone on metal slit the air. I shot up and limped over to where she had fallen. Her eyes had glazed over, staring at something I couldn't see, and a reckless grin still played on her lips. A horrible keening groan escaped my lips, and sobs wracked my body. I placed her head into my lap, brushing her hair away from her face. A choked sob barely made it past the growing lump in my thought. Rain poured down around me, and Tess`s body became cold, not a trace of warmth remained but her wild grin. The same grin that had comforted me when all seemed to go dark. The same grin that had smirked at me in the oven. The same grin that had reassured me when it had gotten hit by a train. My mouth hung open in a soundless scream and I scowled up at the sky. She was all I had left. And now she was gone too. Gravel crunched behind me. “You killed her.” Chunks deep voice wavered from behind me. I was too shocked to respond, but something in my head told me to run. I got to my feet and began backing away slowly. The Flab`s eyes were filled with bloodlust, and he began to stumble towards me. “You killed her.” He repeated. I backed away faster, my hands rose to show that I didn't mean any harm. My hands were tainted with blood. Tess`s blood. The Flab continued to come closer, and he began walking faster than I could backpedal. I turned tail and ran, my feet off the gravel, and onto the soft forest floor. I melted into the shadows of the trees, the rain mingling with my tears, and the wind muffling my sobs as I ran. “YOU KILLED HER!” Chunk`s voice trailed after me, following me into the woods. “YOU KILLED MY SISTER! I WILL FIND YOU! I WILL FIND YOU AND WHEN I DO I WIL KILL //EVERYONE// YOU LOVE!”

ENTRY 12: DUMPSTER DIVING His voice trailed after me as I ran into the woods, echoing in my mind. //You killed my sister!// I gasped as I was running. His //sister//? I thought. //How could she have never told me? How could I not have known?// I think back to all of the moments where Chunk and Tess were together. In the bedroom when she played on his fear of rats. How she said they go way back. How he pushed her more gently than me. My breaths came more raggedly and I collapsed against a tree, my sobs turning into dry wheezes. I buried my face into its rough bark and felt it scratch against me. I slammed my fist into it, and cried out as splinters dug into my flesh. //Good,// I thought. Anything was better than this dull ache in my chest and hollowness in my mind. Night was beginning to fall, and the clouds had cleared, revealing a blood red sunset. Like Tess`s blood tainting the railroad tracks. I shuddered and shook my head, clearing the image from my mind, attempting to forget Tess at the moment and try to keep myself alive. //It’s my fault she’s dead. I shouldn’t have convinced her to escape; I should have just stayed at the orphanage. At least there we were together. I shouldn’t be alive. I don’t deserve to be alive. But I have to live for Tess; she lost her life saving mine.// Hunger clawed at my stomach, and I got up and continued to run. I had to get back to civilization, and I’d figure everything out from there. I kept expecting Tess’s light footsteps and her flaming hair to bob beside me. I kept expecting her light airy laugh to sound next to me, to relieve my ears of this heavy silence. All I heard was my labored breathing, and my tired footsteps tromping through the moss and fallen logs. Lights began to waver in the distance, and the trees began to become thinner. I slowed my pace down, and lingered at the edge of the woods. Cobblestone roads stretched before me. I began to step wearily through them, searching for scraps. I heard rustling beside me, and saw a pair of wide eyes staring up at me, and then they vanished into the darkness of an alleyway. Human eyes. Kid`s eyes. A dumpster loomed before me, and I leaned down and rummaged through it. My nose wrinkled at the stench. Now was not the time for pickiness. Most of the turkey legs were picked down to the bone, like someone had gotten here before me. Bite marks carved into the bones, too small for an adult. There must be other kids besides me here. I found one that still had some meat on it and wolfed it down, grease making my fingers slippery. I looked around me as I chewed slowly, taking in my surroundings. I inhaled sharply as a camera swiveled to look at me. I stuck my tongue out at it and continued to eat. //That’s weird,// I thought. My stomach stopped growling, but there was still a faint trace of hunger. It would have to do. I curled up beside it, and slept as darkness slithered into the alleyway, smothering the last rays of light.

I awoke to a scrawny gaunt kid pointing a jagged shard of glass at me. His eyes were dead, his cheeks hollow. Eyes that had seen too many horrors to care anymore. “Get away from my dumpster.” He growled a snarl on his lips. I held my hands in the air, and got up. I backed away slowly. I realized he had said //his// dumpster. Not //the// dumpster, but //his//. The morning mist still lingered in the air, and his shard of glass fragmented the light, reflecting it into the shadows. My feet caught against the cobblestones and I stumbled backwards. The humidity lingered in the air, and adrenaline coursed through my system. I turned around and walked away slowly, trusting the kid to not stab me in the back. I could hear him scrounging around through his dumpster, obviously distracted from me by the promise of some food in the dumpster. I jogged down a few alleyways until I found another dumpster, and rummaged through it, my own stomach grumbling indignantly. All that remained was a few empty cartons and some gnawed on bones. I took one and nibbled on it absent mindedly, walking along the edge of the side walk. A dry patch was on my tongue and wouldn't go away. Black spots danced before my eyes, and I teetered on the verge of passing out. The last drink I had was back at the orphanage, two days ago in the morning. I groaned, my stomach growling more intensely. I trudged onwards, the world twisting around me. I turned down another alleyway, trying to find more food in a dumpster. I searched through it, my hand catching on another shard of glass. I inhaled sharply as blood began to stream in bright red beads from the middle of my palm. I ripped a shred of my black shirt off and fumbled with it to tie it around my shaking hand. I bit one side of it to hold it and looped the other around with my uninjured hand. It was soaked through with my blood, and it oozed out from underneath it and fell in droplets, staining the cobblestones red. I plodded back out of the alley way, in search of food, or water. All of the dumpsters were picked clean by other kids. I came across more camera`s each one swiveling to look at me with their singular piercing eye. The forest was gone now, and all that surrounded me was brick buildings, beginning to crumble. Sometimes an adult or some kids would emerge and laugh on the front steps, their smiles fading as they discovered me stumbling across the sidewalk. I curled up in another darkening alleyway, and whimpered as the sun retreated from the sky. Days passed; all the same, the only thing changing was my gradually hollowing stomach. I could now count all my ribs. My limbs became grotesquely thin and spindly, and my clothes reduced to black tatters. Leaves curled up and died in the trees, flaking off the trees like the dead orphans dropping dead beside me. My converse held up alright though. They gave me hope that maybe if they could make it this far without breaking down, then so could I. I awoke one morning to find it was pouring. I sprung to my feet, a wide smile stretching across my lips, and I turned my face upwards, drinking in the rain. I laughed and found two somewhat beat up thermoses in the dumpster, and held them out so they could fill with rain. I drunk them both greedily, water sloshing onto the remnants of my shirt. They filled again, and I kept them for later, slinging their straps across my shoulder. I was still lightheaded, but I wasn't thirsty. I sloshed through the rain puddles, and walked up to a house, and knocked on the door, hopeful I could maybe get some scraps. The door swung open abruptly. A middle aged man with stubble on his face and cold, piercing blue eyes stared down at me. “What do you want?” He grunted gruffly. His breath reeked of alcohol. “Do you have any scraps? Any food you don’t want?” I blinked innocently. “No. Get! Get out of here beggar!” He pushed me roughly and I fell backwards into a puddle, “Get out of here!” He slurred. I scrambled backwards on all fours, and struggled to get up. I ran, more black spots swimming before my eyes. I panted raggedly, gasping for air when I had barely even gone past two alleyways. My legs shook below me, my knobby knees shaking. People here didn't take kindly to beggars. I should have known by the way they seemed to look scornfully at me. I shouldn't have ever expected any sympathy. I was weak from hunger. There were no soup kitchens anywhere nearby that I could get food in. my mouth watered at the thought of a rat. I could go for anything that would subdue my hollowed stomach from this constant hunger. I leaned against the wall and sunk down in a sitting position and clutched at my knees. A camera watched me intently. I sobbed the rain plastering my hair to my face. I fell asleep, my tears still falling down my face along with the rain

ENTRY 15: COLD NOTHINGNESS

I tumbled down the street in a daze, searching for anything to keep me alive. Streets blurred beside me as I half fell, half walked forwards. The sun began to rise in the sky, and I walked faster. I had to get somewhere safe before nightfall. A kid jostled into the side of me, with his parents trailing close behind him. I fell over weakly on the ground, groaning as my bony knees knocked against the cobblestones. “Watch it!” I meant to snarl, but it came out like a dry rasp.  He glanced backwards, his blonde tousled hair bouncing. He gestured to me to follow him, as if he wanted to help me. He ran onwards, towards a building smelling of soup, making my mouth salivate. I got up, stumbling forwards. The building loomed before me, bigger, but reeking of the sweat of dozens of bodies swarming inside. Men with scraggly beards scolding laughing children, obviously there kids. It was a homeless shelter. A grin stretched across my face, and I ran forwards, struggling to get in line for the food. Elbows jostled against my prominent ribs and the line shambled forwards in a ragged hoard. Ragged clothes mingled with mine along with flaking dried blood, and matted, dirt encrusted hair. I felt like a cow, being prodded and bumped along. I was suppressing an urge to moo, when I couldn't hold it in any longer.  “MOO.” I bellowed loudly.  People turned and stared at me, and I grinned, laughing quietly to myself. A girl with glitter sprinkled throughout her hair turned around and glared at me. The glitter reminded me faintly of Edward Cullen, that weird sparkly vampire who was more like a pixie. What a loser. She was dressed in a bright pink, felt track suit, and turned around and glared at me.  “I am //not// afraid of cows!” Her voice broke and she buried her face in her hands and ran away, out of the building.  People glared at me more. I shrugged.  “Man don’t look at me! How could I even remotely know that some insane girl is afraid of cows?” I put my hands up and put a look of blank innocence on my face.  The insane brunet girl`s head peeked around the corner of the open door, and she shouted, “I AM NOT AFRAID OF COWS! MOO, MOO, MOO! SEE!?”  I laughed and felt obliged to mess with her head more, “Oh, stop scaring yourself, you know only people with severe phobias feel the need to make the noises of their ultimate fear. Such as cows.”  She gave and outraged scream and with an angry moo, stormed out the door again. Finally, after many muttered insults, and complaints, I managed to stagger to the front of the line. I grabbed a bowl; it looked surreally immaculate against my fingernails with dirt caked beneath them. A grim faced cook poured a chunky looking soup with heaps of mystery meat inside it into my bowl. She glanced at me skeptically, and I stared back, wondering what could make her ogle at me that way. I hurried along, ducking my head and sitting down at a table alone, not really wanting to be bothered from scarfing down my food as fast as I could. I just about buried my face in the soup, wolfing it down as fast as I could. It scalded my thought, and burned in my stomach, but I was grateful for the warmth that spread through my shivering limbs. It was the first food I had had in a week since the dumpster diving incident, and I didn't even care that it tasted slightly of stale fish. I began to realize that sour glances were being shot my way. I returned them with crossed eyes and stuck out my tongue. I made the kids laugh, but only got scowls from the adults. Whispering began to arise, like birds flitting wings. I got up and warily padded to the front of the cafeteria where I placed my bowl along with the others, and my spoon slipped from my fingers into the trash can. I inwardly groaned and rolled my eyes. I never had been very squeamish, and so I rummaged around in the half eaten remnants of soggy bread and foul-smelling chunks of soup. //Or was it barf?// I thought, and grimaced but continued my labored search. I stuffed a piece of semi-moldy bread in my mouth, wanting something to munch on as I scrounged around for my spoon. It was a bit too crunchy for my taste, but who knows how long it was in there. It was pretty good for dumpster bread. A glimmer of silver caught my eye and I grabbed at it. My spoon! I retreated from the dark, evil-smelling world of the trash can, holding my spoon triumphantly. It thwacked straight into the forehead of a chef, who was standing too close to me anyway. Her breath reeked of soup, and her belly bulged out from beneath her apron. My spoon left a smear of soup and some other chunks of brown sludge in the middle of her face. It slid down her nose and settled on her lips where she wiped it away angrily. Her eyes smoldered, brown and menacing. Her hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail, and a small, silver horseshoe hung from around her neck. I guffawed, and stepped out of swinging range.  “Do you have anything to say for yourself?” She scowled angrily.  I smirked silently.  “Well, that’s not <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;">the point, where are your parents?” She inquired, her bushy eyebrows arching. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;"> “Uhh, over there.” I pointed to a random couple. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;">“I don’t think so. Those are very good friends of mine. Now I’ll ask you again. Where are your parents?” <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;"> “I'm eighteen! I'm just short, okay?” I exploded at her, hoping my bluff would make her back off. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;"> “Yeah sure, and I'm a super model. I'm gonna bet that you don’t have any parents, and your just here living off of scraps.” <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;"> “Says the woman with sludge on her nose.” It was my turn to raise my eyebrows. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;"> “I'm going to have to report you to the authorities; we can’t have an orphan out on the streets. We`ll find you a nice foster home, where you can be safe.” She said softly, and reassuringly. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;">“Jesus, can’t a kid eat anywhere these days? I just wanted some food, something to help me get back on my feet. Well guess what I'm just fine now, so I’ll be on my merry way!” I snarled, outraged that she wanted to put me back in the hands of someone who might be like the headmaster. Flashbacks pummeled my mind, and I flinched. Stares were burning into me, we were creating a scene. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;"> “I just want to help-,” she started. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;"> “You just want to help? You just want to help?! Yeah, well so did the last person who wanted to put me back in the system! And guess what happened then?! Guess what?! My only and best friend wound up //<span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;">dead! //<span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;"> Yeah! That’s, right dead!” I screamed, and a sob wracked my body. I felt her gentle hand on my shoulder. I winced. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;"> “Stay away. STAY AWAY FROM ME!” My voice melted into a full out keening scream, and I backed away, my eyes darting at the possible threats from the lunch ladies closing in fast. It would be kind of funny if I weren’t so afraid. I felt like an animal in a trap. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;">I began backing up quickly towards the door. I turned tail and ran, tears streaming down my cheeks, and the wind howling in my ears. I ran into the night, wishing it could swallow me up, eat me, and make me dissolve into a world of numbness. I began to feel my heart numb then. Just a little cold hard growth, slowly, but steadily growing around my heart, until there would be not a scrap left, but cold nothingness.

ENTRY 14: SUBJECT A247

The next morning all I wanted to do was run. Run, away from my problems, away from anything that could hurt me. So I turned and began to sprint my feet catching on the cobblestones, dilapidated brick houses becoming a blur beside me. I slowed down to a walk, and stuck to the side of the street. My breaths coming in short ragged gasps. Running probably was not the best decision in my situation. More cameras dotted the walls. Pale bodies were splayed across the streets, their eyes puffy and bloodshot, their tongues swollen and lolling out of their mouths.Their yellow skin hung off their too-visible bones, and was wrinkled like elephant skin. Kids bodies. I turned away, walking faster. //What kind of a place is this?// I thought. I headed down another alleyway, waning to rid that grotesque image from my mind. I heard a door open beside me. I whirled around, ready to face whatever opened it. An old man stood, offering a slice of bread to me. I looked at him warily. My stomach growled ravenously, and my mouth watered. “Here.” He held out the bread to me, his eyes softening, and a smile forming on his lips. His eyes crinkled around the edges, his face was wrinkly and kind. I reached forwards gingerly and took the bread. “Thank you.” I whispered, and continued to walk further down the alleyway until I found a place to sit down that was somewhat sheltered. It was in between two metal trash cans, and the alley way ended abruptly after them. I leaned against the brick wall, and sighed, biting into my bread. It was sickly sweet, and I almost gagged, but bread was bread, and it was the first food I had in days. I slowly nibbled on it, wanting to savor every bite. I looked round me as I was eating, and started as I saw a camera watching me intently from a corner. //Another one?// I thought, thinking back to the dumpster, and the ones on the street. A heavy drowsiness took over me and suddenly my limbs were too heavy to move, my eyelids felt like hundreds of pounds. Men with cold eyes and suits surrounded me. I struggled to get up, but collapsed sideways, my head banging on the cobblestones. I passed out, and the last thing I felt was being dragged away by rough hands.

I opened my eyes groggily, the beginnings of a headache beginning to roar inside my skull. A pungent antisepticy scent wafted up my nose. I squinted at the hospital like light above me, and strained to get up only to find I was strapped down to a steel table. It sent shivers through my body were my bare skin came into contact with the cool metal. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.5;">I strained my neck to look around the room and saw I was in a white room, making me feel like I was a piece of dirt waiting to be inspected. I squinted up at the hospital style light making the blinding white room around me all the more blinding. A single door lurked in the corner, and I shuddered at what might be lurking behind it. I strained against the restraints, but stopped when I heard footsteps coming closer. “Here is subject A247,” a voice resonated from beside me, it reminded me of a nail being drawn across a chalkboard. I shuddered and scowled up at its source. “I have a name.” I snarled up at it. Whatever this was, I didn't want to be a part of it. “That is irrelevant. Now see this, subject A247?” I looked at what he was holding and my eyes widened. I nodded at the large syringe he was holding casually. It contained an evil-looking purplish liquid. “This is a fear inducing serum. We are working on them here to improve them for interrogation tactics.” His eyes glowed, as if he was a kindergartner at show and tell. I took a guess at what might happen next and shuddered. “You’re insane.” I strained against the Velcro cutting into my skin more. “I prefer the term ingenious.” He walked closer and leaned over me, his breath reeking of antiseptic, like a hospital scent. I struggled against the restraints and screamed. I leaned as far away from the needle and tensed up. It sunk into my neck with a twinge of pain, and I winced. My muscles began to become relaxed, and my eyelids grew heavy. I closed my eyes. When I opened them again I was faced by a dead-eyed Tess. "Tess!” I shouted and ran towards her. The ground trembled, and a ravine opened up between us. Water trickled from its walls and filled it up. I jumped into it, and began to swim across towards her. The water began to writhe beside me and greenish eels rose up from its depth. They squirmed around me, and constricted tighter and tighter around me. They bit my skin with their long dagger like teeth, and I shrieked, watching their beady eyes stare me down. “Tess! Tess help me!” I screamed, thrashing against the eels. Their slimy bodies wrapped around me roughly and I struggled to breathe. My blood from their bites tainted the water red. She shook her head, standing above me. “You killed me Roxy. You killed me. Why should I help you?” She stared down at me unblinkingly. Icy tingles went down my back and I shuddered, the eels constricting tighter and tighter. They were pulling me under, and I looked up at Tess, and screamed. I writhed and thrashed in the water, straining against their coarse bodies. My breaths began to come in strained gasps. Water began to close up around my neck, and I struggled to pull myself upwards. The water closed around my mouth and I sputtered as it began to close over my head. An eerie silence surrounded me in the blood tainted water, and my lungs burned for air. Bubbles streamed from my lips and I screamed silently as the eels became more aggressive and tore into my arms and legs. My blood surrounded me and formed a metallic taste to the water. Water began to fill my lungs and I stared upwards through the sickly red water. All I could see was Tess`s face fractured through the water, staring disapprovingly down at me. An eel slithered up in front of my face, its eyes beady and cold. It stretched its maw open wide, and seemed to hiss at me scornfully. Its teeth gleamed in the pale moonlight, and it dove into my outstretched mouth. I gagged on its slimy, leathery skin, and it wriggled down my throat. I flailed, my arms hitting more twisting bodies. A searing pain erupted from my stomach, and I looked down, my eyes widening. The eel had gnawed through the fleshy wall of my stomach, and it twisted around to face me, its mouth curling upwards in a warped smile, its teeth stained a dark red. I grabbed at it, but it slithered through my outstretched fingers, its skin slick and streaming blood. My blood. I gasped, and water filled my lungs, my mouth in a grimace as I drifted downwards. Blood spiraled upwards from gaping wound in my abdomen, and I sunk to the river floor, sand mingling with the blood in the water. Black spots danced before my eyes, and the reddish water stung my eyes. They darted around wildly at the many eels slithering up beside me, smothering me along with the water with their greasy bodies. My chest began to cave in from all the added weight of their writhing bodies, and I screamed, the last few bubbles escaping from my outstretched lips. They ascended towards the surface, the surface I tried in vain to reach. The eels blotted out the sparse moonlight and suddenly I was falling, falling, falling into the darkness.

I awoke with a start in the alleyway again. //Maybe it was just a dream,// I thought. The red marks on my wrists said otherwise. My eyes felt swollen, and my tongue felt too big for my mouth. The alleyway seemed like it was fuzzy all around me. My thoughts came slowly and blearily. I sat down with my eyes wide open, not wanting to go to sleep. I jumped at every small noise, my eyes wide and fearful. They began to become heavy, naturally this time, and I dozed off.

<span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">ENTRY 15: REMINDED AND FORGOTTEN <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> I squinted through the brown thick forest of my eyelashes at the dark world beyond. I groaned my head pounding, and the cobble stones in the alleyway pulsating beneath me. I blinked, struggling to clear my vision of dancing black spots. I leaned heavily against the wall, my bare knees peeking through holes in my leggings. They scraped roughly against the cobble stones as I struggled to get up. I panted heavily, just the effort of trying to get up becoming a laborious process. I finally stood, wavering on my knobby trembling knees, and my worn converse. I took a swing out of one of my water canteens, my stomach grumbling indignantly. The water soothed my dry, fuzzy feeling tongue, and helped the bleariness somewhat clear out of my eyes. I staggered out of the alley, heavy on my feet, my eyes wide and laced with burst veins. Goosebumps appeared on my arms, the brisk air freezing. Moonlight bathed the grotesque scene before me in an eerie pale light. I saw the dark crumpled heaps on the street swim before my eyes. The bodies. I felt their pain, their anguish, and their final sighs as the light faded from their eyes. I understood them, and how they had gotten to be that way. It then dawned on me how we all got to be this way, and I stifled a gasp. My hazy mind began to connect the dots. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">//The bread,// I thought, //it’s the bread. That old man drugged the bread, and whoever he was working for. The bread must have a kind of crude sedative, but cheap enough that it`s still toxic. That’s why kids around here are dropping like flies, from the physical wear and the mental anguish of the drugs, until they were finally dead. Death would be a relief at that point. They had no escape from their fate, and even if they did figure out that the bread was drugged, there are no other food sources. So they were forced to eat the bread until it finished them. Even if they did manage to tell someone about this twisted scientist, no one would believe them. They’d just be another delusional orphan.// I was no better off. I was stuck eating the bread too. I had to figure out a way to end this. But at the moment my mind was bent on staying alive. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">I stumbled on a pale girl`s arm. Her eyes were closed, but they still bulged grotesquely beneath her eyelids. Her hair was matted and red, a streak of firelight blazing against the dark bloodstained cobblestones. She couldn't be any older than me, and reminded me of something I had lost. Her cheeks caved inwards, and her mouth was open in a silent scream. The moons soft light shadowed her scowling jaw line, and pooled in her sunken eye sockets. Her hand reached out, yearning to grasp onto anything to keep her alive. Her cold bony fingers shot out and grabbed my ankle. I gasped letting out a stifled yelp. Her fingernails dug into my bare skin. Her bloodshot eyes blinked and bored into mine. They darted back and forth, her breath coming in ragged gulps. Her eyes were grey like the moon above us, and searched through mine. They seemed broken, like a bird who fell from its nest too early, broke its wings, and never got the chance to fly. I knelt down, taking her hand from my ankle and holding it tightly in mine. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> “The bread! You`ve got to…stop him.” She sputtered, struggling to make me understand. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> “I know,” I murmured softly. “I've just got to figure out how. I`ll stop the Breadmaker, I’ll make sure he can’t hurt any of us.” <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> She relaxed and sank into the cobblestones. Something seemed to kindle in her eyes. “Thank you.” She whispered, staring up at me. I nodded, and her eyes still searched mine. I smiled sadly, and she smiled back. Foam began to seep from her mouth, and she began to shake violently. Her head thrashed up and down, and knocked against the cobblestones. It made a rhythmic thumping noise that was deep and unnatural. I shivered, and let go of her and put her head on my knees. A choked guttural scream erupted from her lips, and her back arched, her grey eyes open and staring blankly at the sky. “Help, help, help! Someone!” I screamed into the night. No one came. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> I flashed back to Tess. A train whistle blared and the screech of bone against steel echoed in my ears. I screeched and shook the girl lying before me. “Come back.” I whimpered, “Please come back.” <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">Her body flailed limply and went still. Her eyes stared upwards at the sky, grey like the stars. She sighed once, and then her breathing stopped, and a milky glaze filmed over her eyes. Tears streamed down my cheeks. She was like Tess, and again, I failed to save her. I ran my trembling fingers over her eyelids, closing them for the last time. I stood up stumbling backwards, her head thumping against the cobblestones as it fell from my legs. Her blazing hair trailed over the cobblestones like wisps of flame protesting against the night. My breath curled into the cold night air, and I backed away. Winter was coming. I ran back into the alleyway where I had come from, and gave a single look back. This girl who had reminded me was forgotten already, becoming just another one of the dark heaps littered throughout the cobbles.

<span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">ENTRTY 16:

<span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> I woke up, my back against the cobblestones, shivering violently. It was too cold. The images from the night before came crashing into my mind. I winced, and swore to myself then, that in this cold world, there was no one I could trust. No one I could let grow close to me, or they ended up dead. The icy cold mass in my heart grew until it enveloped it wholly. My heart was numb, unfeeling to the world, and I felt hollow inside. It felt better than what had lurked there before. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">I got up and trudged over the cardboard box I had spent the night in. Snowflakes gathered in my hair, and settled on the cobbles surrounding my grimy worn Converse. The snow fell fast, covering the world in an illusion of cleanliness. Nothing was ever that pure. Not even the snow, the snow that hid the dirt below it. The snow that hid the kids pale bodies. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">A door swung open in front of me. The old man stood, offering a slice of bread. His eyes were as cold as the ice below him. His smile was stale like the bread. I scowled at him, and snatched the bread away. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> “I don’t really have a choice do I?” I snarled at him, “So I`ll just be a good little girl and eat my bread.” <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> His smile stayed pasted to his face, his cold eyes unblinking. He turned and shut the door behind him, disappearing into the shadows of his house, where no snow could reach. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> I turned and looked around the alley way for things to climb. I might not be able to escape eating the bread, but I could make it hard for them to reach me. Broken bottles surrounded me, as well as cardboard boxes. I smirked when I found a gutter pipe reaching to the ground. I put the bread in the waist band of my leggings, and began to climb, my spindly fingers turning white as they scrabbled at the cold surface. I grasped the pipe between both my Converse, and winced as my knees repeatedly bashed against the brick wall, scraping them raw. I inched upwards in that awkward manner, looking like a frog hopping vertically. My breaths came in ragged gasps, and I groaned as my numb fingers reached the end. It was about a thirty-five foot drop as I glanced backwards over my shoulder. I grinned recklessly as I realized how hard it would be for those thugs to reach me. My arms shook as I hauled myself over the lip of the building. Its cold concrete surface dug into my palms. I was shaking all over, and I collapsed on the other side, my breath spiraling up into the air. A sour taste filled my mouth. Small pebbles of gravel dug into my bare arms, and I looked up at the grey sky. I bit fiercely into my bread and scowled as the world started to spiral into darkness around me. A camera turned its blank eye and stared on at me, as it faded into black.

<span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> I squinted up at the all too familiar hospital light above me. The man`s face who had injected me hovered beside me, eerily illuminated by the pale light. It was the first time I got a good look at him. Grey stubble lined his broad jaw line, and his eyes were a piercing, cold blue. His bushy grey eyebrows were narrowed, and his shaggy unmaintained grey hair stuck out haphazardly. Frown lines weathered the space around his thin lips. I returned his gaze with a steely glare. “Go to hell.” I snarled, my voice surprisingly even despite my fluttering heart. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> “Ah, A247, I do not believe that I will be going to hell but rather you will be shortly.” He flicked a syringe with a confident finger. “My name is Roxanne Burnett.” My voice was hushed but fatal. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">He went on as if he had not heard me. “A247, this is a, well in simpler terms, a memory amplifier. It will bring back the worst memory it can find in your damaged brain and bring it back, make you relive it, in a much, much worse way.” <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> I glared on. “I am Roxy.” <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">“A247, that is in no way relevant. Soon you will be reliving your worst memories. I suggest you brace yourself.” He approached me with the needle and plunged it into my arm. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">My eyes blazed with fire as the chemicals burned inside my veins. I jerked against the Velcro cutting into my skin. Veins bulged out of my neck and every muscle was tensed. The scientist backed away in fear. I'm sure I looked quite intimidating. “I AM ROXANNE BURNETT! R-O-X-Y! ROXANNE BURNETT!” I roared. Exhaustion swept through me and I went slack, my head falling back onto the table and resting on my shoulder. Black spots began to dance before my eyes. “Roxanne Burnett…” I murmured, and was suddenly falling, falling.

<span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> “Roxy!” I heard the scream from behind me. I knew that voice. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> “Mom!” I yelled back, but I couldn't see her. We were on a dock and it was foggy. My brother stood in front of me, revenge in his eyes. I was on a dock. The water level was decreasing quickly. Too quickly. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> “Tobias, please don’t do this. I'm your sister Tobias…” I tried to reason with him, my words coming out jumbled. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> ‘Shut up Roxy. You're the sister who tried to drown me off of this dock, the sister who listen to my sobs every night with a smile. The sister who muffled my screams with a pillow, then tried to smother me with it. All because I got between you and your stupid //boyfriend.// All because I told the //truth.// How vile you truly are. //You deserve this.// Isn't that what you used to say to me, Roxy?” <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> “Oh Tobias how could you?” I gasped my voice light and airy. I let out a few fake sobs, peeking through my fingertips. “You told on us, me and the servant, we were so great together… Well suppose that I would have just discarded him and got another one…but he was special Toby!” Tobias shook his head, appalled. “You know at least I put up with you and your silly games. The servants that you pretended to love so you could mess with their heads.” Our mansion loomed in the background. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> “I-I never ment to…” I began to drawl. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> “Bull Roxy. I know your sick ways. And I've had //enough.//” He pushed me off the dock with the last word ending in a growl. His short buzz cut vanished from my view and he stalked away. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">That’s when I saw the tsunami. I craned my neck, struggling to see the top of it. Its sheer size made me shrink back into the water, and suddenly I was being tugged upwards. I was half way up the wave now. Screams echoed all around me, yet all I could focus on was staying alive. I sputtered, struggling to keep my head above the surface. My brother surfaced beside me. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;">“Roxy…” He gasped. <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> “You deserve this Tobias,” I smiled devilishly and pushed him beneath the surface. His blue eyes flashed once pleadingly before being swept away forever. The wave crashed over my head and I was toppling downwards. The water pushed against me, a cold icy darkness. My scream was lost in a stream of bubbles, and I felt myself fading. The water grappled with me, its raw strength feeling as if it was tearing me apart. I screamed again and water streamed into my mouth and I was sinking, the water frothing around me. A strange primitive fear trickled icily down my back, and my eyes darted around wildly. All I could see was darkness, almost darker than the monster that lurked within my heart.

<span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> I gasped and thrashed about as I woke up, my arms wind milling at open air. I sat up, disgusted with myself. I backed into the corner of the alleyway, the bricks scratching roughly at my shoulders. Tears ran down my cheeks, and sobs wracked my body. //How could I? How could I be so cruel to the only person that might have loved me? To my family?// I rocked back and forth. //Who was I? Do I want to know?// I winced. My past appalled me. I was back then what I hate now. Rude, fake, loud, and obnoxious. And I hated myself for it. I looked at my hands through blurred tears. //How many times have these hands tried to kill my own blood? How many boys have these hands loved, but then discarded like a game?// <span style="font-family: Garamond,serif; font-size: 10pt;"> //I don’t deserve to live.// I thought, and sobbed even harder. I had to fix this. I had to make up for my brothers screams. I screamed into my hands, wishing had never been born. I leaned sideways into the wall, curling up into a fetal position. My tongue still felt swollen from the sedative, and my skin had a pale yellowish tint to it. I was becoming like the lumps on the street. The other kids. Fire blazed in my eyes, my outrage rekindled. Maybe it was for the better that my memory had been taken. But now there was no way to get it out of my head. This was what the scientist had wanted, for me to become weaker, more vulnerable, so he could crush me with the fear of the unknown, the fear of my twisted past. I wouldn't let him. I would stand strong, an act of defiance against the inevitable. I would show him. He would pay for the lives he had taken, the futures he had crippled. There would be no remorse.

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